Things that I have done years ago still leave me paralyzed. I want to share them with people but they are just too awful. Things that I did when I was manic and 19. 20 wasn't so bad and 21 wasn't too bad either, but when I was 19 I really let loose and did somethings that I really regret that I can't stand and can't let out of my head, or heart. I wish that they would just disappear from my memory and I am wondering if the feelings of regret get any better. I feel that I could have lived happily ever after if I didn't, say, break up with my last girlfriend. I regret it because I know what I'm missing out on. I miss it so much. I miss the affection, I miss the relief that I don't have to look for anyone, I miss the feeling of wellbeing that I might have someone to share my life with. Now all I do is spend time with my parents. I can't even find real guy friends that don't want to drink all the time. It's getting really depressing and I don't know why. I sit around and ask my self simply "why" and I don't know. I just don't know. I have dreams that I'm getting in trouble with the police and I don't know why.
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