I self abuse when my manic episodes start getting really bad.

It's both a self punishment for doing stupid things(like giving up a fab job,and living in a great place in the SF Bay Area..to move and follow my STBX,and ending up living in a hell hole of a no-where town)...also I do it so that the "outside" pain,is greater than the "inside" pain.

You probably need to share this with your doctor. Self injury is another facet all together and there is treatment for this.

I did it to feel alive. Watching the blood flow from me reminded me that I was still alive, and the pain did as well. I even got a root canal without anesthesia it is a really horrible thing to do to yourself. I turned to rock climbing and skydiving. That and the meds work really well for me.

I agree with lindel,share this with your Pdoc....there are meds that can help control this behavior.

Self Injury is a problem that exists outside of the bipolar spectrum. It is behavioral in orientation. There are many reasons for SI. Removing anxiety or pent up frustration. Wanting to feel or feeling too much. Sometimes just the pain.

Whatever reason it can be treated like an addiction. The problem with SI is that it works. Both by correcting behavior and by releasing endorphins in the brain.

Medication does not always work. I reccomend Dialectal Behavioral Therapy. It was originally designed for borderline personality disorder. But works well for SI.

It works better if you have a therapist. There is a self injury community on this site you can check out. Although 50 % of the members are under 21. I would also suggest becoming informed about SI. It can be a constant battle.

Check out-

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

And Selfinjury.com

It is easy to take SI too far. Especially when combined with the bipolar state. All it takes is too deep of a cut, or too much blunt trauma to end up with yourself in the hospital or dead. While temporarily alleviating in the long term it is devastating. Whether you are a picker, a cutter, or a burner. The scars last a lifetime.

Try rubber bands or red ink until you can get to the doc. Try to not actually harm yourself.

I understand the feelings. I have had this great desire to cut myself to let out pain since my son was killed; but I knew that that was a sickness ;so I didn't act on it. I knew the feeling would pass just like the BP highs and lows. But then I got keen on decorating my body with a visual symbol to the world of the pain his death has cause me; So I thought about carving a broken heart on my chest with knapped flakes of flint. Not for the pain, but for the beautiful drama of it all(I guess I am a dramatic person). Well, my pdoc and therapist told me to get a tattoo instead; but I had already gotten two of those-one to honor his life;one to lament his death) I needed something stronger. I really wanted a brand;but I couldn't figure out how to heat up the wire without it melting. And was told by the tattoo pros that I would have to go to a big city to find someone who could do a brand. So I got my flint flakes ready and waited for the perfect time. One night "Ledgends of the Fall" was on TV and I got filled with the spirit of the Indian ways, so to speak ;and I did it. I am very happy with it and as it heals, if it doesn't leave a scar; I will do it again until it does. I don't think of this as SI ; I feel like it is an ancient, primial need to express grief and loss. Like cultures who wear black,or cut their hair, or break out their teeth,(ouch!)I am not looking to hurt myself, but to adorne myself. My pdoc would probably shit a brick. Even to me,wanting to hurt yourself sounds like the craaaazies. Get thyself to a nunnery ,or at least a pdoc.