I hate the way I feel right this second. This very minute. I have been off my meds for a year but there is a good reason. I cannot afford my meds. Tomorrow I see my shrink again for the first time in over a year but I have to. I feel my world falling apart. I feel the walls closing in. I don't know what to do next. I'm not suicidal, never have been. But tonight it only took one topic to set me off again. Money. I hate it! I hate everything that has to do with money and I assume it's because I lack so much of it. I work hard at a full time job and I take care of my family and pay my bills and at the end of the day I feel like this person who does not exist. I feel as if I could melt into the walls and no one would notice I was missing until they got hungry. My oldest child has moved out and she was my best friend. My oldest son will probably never move out and my youngest son just turned 18. He has bad friends and even worse habits. I have a 10 year old daughter who needs me more than ever since she is starting middle school this year and I feel helpless to help her. I am afraid of becoming a zombie and just going through my life w/o happiness ever again. Real true happiness... I know when I take my meds I don't feel this way but now that I know what I have and I know how I am with and w/o the meds it seems to me that it's pointless. My problems with money and everything else is still there. Deep inside me hidden behind the drugs. I don't want to be around people and my job is about being around people all day long. I don't want to even be around myself right now. I hate this, I swear I hate this. As I type I cry. And I cry more when I think about how much money I will have to spend on seeing my shrink again and my therapist and my meds... I fall into a deeper depression when I try to add it up. The car payment is due, the rent, the insurance, my student loans that I'm being force to pay back at way too much a month in order to avoid my wages being garnished. The electric bill.... my youngest needs new school clothes. I don't know where the money comes from each month. I have a boyfriend and he is wonderful. He helps me with the finances but we never have enough. I feel that he should leave me to be with someone who is not defective and not so expensive... I'm sorry.. Maybe I should just take a bath. Thanks.
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