sorry this is so long. but i have a lot to say on this topic.

I Had a Love

I met this guy once. And he changed my world. Before him, I never knew what Love was. But when I looked in to his stormy grey eyes for the first time, with him standing there being shy in his ripped jeans, my cold heart melted and I felt something completely unknown to me.
We were only together for seven months. Well, one day shy of that. But I experienced more in those seven months than I had in the twenty years before that. I felt highs I never knew existed. And lows I never wanted to know. But mostly, I felt, learned, and discovered that there are Amazing Loves out there. That not all the Love songs and poems are just made up. I learned that when youre in one of those Amazing Loves, your life seems worthless without your sweet heart. And that you would actually give up your life for them.
That relationship ended four years, six months, and two days ago. And yet I can still feel my heart beat with his.
Since then I have had one relationship that lasted a year and a half, even though I didnt Love that guy, been on a many first dates, and now have been seeing someone new for the last four months.
I havent even seen him in over two years. So I called him about a year ago and told him how much I still Loved him. But he said he didnt feel the same. And questioned me as to why I couldnt get over him.
For the first two years after we broke up we saw each other every once in a while. And many of those times were full of passionate kisses. But none like the last time I saw him. We were both out sitting in the bar of a restaurant with some of my friends. He said he was going to go, so I said Id walk him out to his car.
Now just a few days before this it was Halloween. And on the way home from partying one of my best friends told me that she was recently talking to him at an open mic night about Love. And he told her that the most he ever was in Love was when he was with me.
So we walked out to his car. It was a chilly night. We sat on the hood and started talking. Maybe it was the booze in me or maybe I knew somehow that would be the last time I would see him for a while. So I told him that my friend told me what he said. And I told him that I was still Madly in Love with him. He said that he still Loved me. But that night we were both dating other people. And our seven month relationship had taught us that we werent ready to be together. So I told him that I believe that we will be together in another life. He said that sounded good. And then some how we started kissing. With me sitting on the hood and him standing in front of me. Oh, and the kisses were so deep. It was like our Love for each other was pouring out of our mouths and on to each others lips. At some point I was laying back on the car while he was kissing me.
I would later find out that car was actually his girlfriends car. Yes, I did get a sick sense of satisfaction out of it. But who wouldnt?
I recently found him online. He looks even better now than he did back then. I didnt need to see that. Just like I didnt need to see the bitch he moved to Boston for. (Whos not as pretty as me by the way. And looks like a bitch.)
But anyway. Its one am. I just got dropped off about an hour ago by the guy Im seeing now. We had an ok night. We had some drinks, a little weed, and some great sex. So, why am I sitting here listening to sad Love song after another thinking of him?
Its funny how one little person or one single event can change, not only your life, but You. Who you are at the core.
Or was that new part of you always there. You just needed them to open it? Perhaps well never know.
But knowing isnt my problem. My problem is that he showed me just how Great a Love can be. So now Nothing and Nobody is ever going to compare to him or what we had.
I dont want to make it sound like I dont like the guy Im seeing now. But it was one of those things where I didnt have any interest in him till I realized he was interested in me.
But we do have a good time together. And hes good to me. But its missing that extra ingredient. And no, that ingredient will not come in to the relationship with time. If its not there at the beginning it will never be there. I learned that with the guy I was with for a year and a half.
He wasnt bad either. Good, hard working, family orientated, very sweet, and giving. So I tried so hard to Love him. And in a way I did. But it wasnt much more than the Love I feel for my friends.
Its kind of like I was given this drug, (Maybe coke or heroin. I dont know because Ive never done either of them so I dont know what they make you feel like. But I here that coke makes you feel really good.) and this drug made everything better. It made the food I ate taste better, and everything I touched felt softer, and music sound better. But it also made the emotions I felt even stronger. (Ive never been able to get mad at anyone for anything, but was able to with him. But not since.) It just made everything amazing.
But then, they took the drug away from me. And now everything I feel seems like nothing when I compare it to my memories.
Since I felt that Amazing Love with him I now know that it exists. So what do I do? Do I keep looking till I find another one? But what if I dont? Then Ill be alone forever. And I dont want that. Or, do I settle for something less when I know theres more out there? Then Ill end up in a luke warm marriage and will probably cry myself to sleep every night. And I definitely dont want that. So what do I do?
I do have a third option: to wait for him. I know our paths will cross again. And hell look at me that same way. And I know Ill still feel as strongly for him as I do now. But what if he denies our Love again?
No. I dont think that a very healthy option.
So what do I do?
And the ironic part about me still being in Love with him four years, six months, and two days later is that he broke up with me because he didnt think that I really Loved him. And since my life is one big search for irony you can imagine how thrilled I am.
What do I do?
What do I do?!
What do I do?!!
What do I do?!!!
What do I do?!!!!
What do I do?!!!!!
What do I do?!!!!!!
What do I do?!!!!!!!
What do I do?!!!!!!!!
What do I do?!!!!!!!!!
What do I do?!!!!!!!!!!