I've been in and out of therapy, on and off medications, I am currently not taking anything, but i have started seeing a therapist/doctor, and i am having my second session tomorrow. sometimes i get really depressed, to the point where i contemplate suicide/homicide (i never tried to, and i don't plan to, but the thoughts are there nonetheless) and maybe minutes or an hour later i could be manic, my mania ranges from wanting to commit violence on others, to being crazily obnoxious, like taking off my clothes for no reason, or doing extremely reckless things. i also feel like i want to jump out of my skin. at the moment, i only feel slightly uncomfortable, i find that to escape these feelings, that the people who i find at fault for doing things to me, don't exist, i have to pretend they aren't really there, otherwise i start to get feelings of anger, pain. sadness, frustration. among others. when i am around other people, i often keep my mouth shut, because i have said some really bad things to people, and i always find myself apologizing later, i really don't mean any of it, it comes out on it's own. if i feel a situation is getting bad, then i have to remove myself from it before i do or say anything. when i'm angry on the cellphone, it's difficult for me to put it down and stop sending hateful messages to those i am angry with. i know if i could just leave it alone i could calm down. it's hard to do when it's always around. i know this is long, but what do you think i can do to help myself?
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