Settled into the armchair in front of the fireplace in my inner refuge is my guide. He motions towards a similar chair inviting me to sit. I ask him to wait until I make a cup of coffee and he says “No problem. No rush. Take it easy.”
I arrive back and sit. “Welcome back. Are you willing to talk?” A bit nervously I say “Sure.”
A thought stream arrives. The expressions of a number of parts. Parts are best thought of as little people inside us. All thoughts and emotions are the expressions of parts. “Fuck, you're a loser”! “Dipshit”! “You're nothing”! And finally “If you show this writing to someone they will say you hear voices and are mad”.
Gobsmacked and overwhelmed I lose track of reality and the present moment and fear has me in it's grip. I feel as if I am falling down a black hole. I feel trapped, hopeless and helpless.“You need to leave room for me” says my guide. I find myself no longer falling and back in the chair. I had become stuck. My parts had taken me out.
“What do you know that can help me?” I enquire of my guide.
He explains... “Well, I know that irritation, anger and scorn are linked to suffering. So the parts in that thought stream are suffering or afraid of suffering in the future, like they did in the past, and are taking it out on you. If you become curious about what they fear you will likely develop compassion for them.”
I consider what the parts said and again see the fear of being locked up in a mental ward prominent. They follow some attacks upon me designed to soften me up by lowering my esteem and frightening me into retreat and silence. So, using my training, I ask myself how I feel towards the parts. There is some resentment for what I see as an unprovoked attack.
Here I was trying to talk to my guide and they have interfered to disrupt the process in a decidedly unfriendly manner. I realise resentment is yet another sign of suffering. This means their suffering has made me suffer as well, which is very common.
My guide speaks “They are polarized with the part that I invited to have a seat”.
I let that sink in... then ask “How do you know I am a part?”
“Two reasons. Firstly you were nervous instead of confident and secondly you feel resentment instead of compassion... these are not traits of your true Self but the emotions of a part”.
Another barrage from some parts arrives... “This sounds like nonsense to me”! “Nutter”! “We are going to make this sound like you have dissociative identity disorder you loser so that you can't show this to anyone”
I realize I am my writing part. My narrator. I tell them I understand they are worried about me explaining my experience, it being used to prove I am insane according to their beliefs. Also that I appreciate how hard they are working to stop me writing, how important it is to them that I stay safe and free. I feel compassion. I feel them take that in and soften a little.
“Would you like to hear my opinion”, says one therapist part. “Absolutely, go right ahead” I answer. “What you have written here is an example of extremely well organized and managed internal dialogue. If anything it will prove your clarity and sanity as opposed to chaos and confusion”.
Is it to much to ask a spouse to respond to a text?He almost never responds unless he needs something.He never answers his phone while at work.Am I crazy to expect him to communicate with me on things that don't directly involve him?
My mentally ill parents were my primary abusers since childhood as a missionary kid overseas in a war zone. As an adult, after a violent physical attack during a visit to them for Christmas 1992, I estranged myself from them for 8 years. Then when my mother got breast cancer in 2004, I moved back near them until 2007 for three years to get her through chemotherapy and radiation. After my...