Second hospitalization of the month is now behind us. She has been home for a little over 24 hours. They doctors took her off of Depakote. Now it's just seraquel and prozac. They warned us they really did. I had my dose upped of Lamictal because I was getting so manic I guess I was stomping when I was sitting. So I know I'm not triggering her. But tonight. . .tonight it went off again! We put child locks on the doors. One on hers from the inside, one on the closet where all of her hard toys are now, and one on the front door. She got the one on her door off in like a minute. The others I was able to catch her before she got out because they slow her down so much. I still ended up having to hold her. She made herself puke up her pills about two to three minutes after she took them. I am at a total loss. We went to the Pdoc today. (A new one that promised to check her levels.) He is thinking it could be BP AND Aspergers. He want to do more of an evaluation. What can I do? I am so lost right now. If I were more selfish I'd slit my wrists and be done with it. Sadly, I can't do that. It won't help anything. I wish it would. I wish I could just make her able to live a full and fullfilling life. I can't stand the fact that I know she will be hospitalized more. I just want fix it all. I used to be able to do that with anybody that wanted it. They would tell me a problem and I could brainstorm a solution. Is this punishment? If it is why can't I be the one fucked with? I don't think I can keep her safe for much longer. What would You do? How would it help for you? I don't know. How screwed up is that making a whole family BP and making the kids have more that just that?
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