I've had two sessions with my new therapist so far, and each one has left me so emotionally raw that it throws my entire day off. My first session we were just talking about what I wanted to work on and I gave her a cliff notes version of my life. I somehow ended up crying during that one. Nearly went to bed the rest of the day, but I forced myself to go clothes shopping, because I despertly needed socks and some work shirts. I was proud of myself. I didn't let it take over my whole day.
In this 2nd session we went over my treatment plan. Discussed some of the positive and negative coping skills I have. I Ended up crying again. At the end of the session I immediately went to my room, crawled under the covers, and slept for two hours. Ignored phone calls from my friend, mom and nkfp. I wanted to sleep longer but I needed to pick up some scripts so I forced myself out of bed and to the pharmacy.
I still feel totally raw and emotional, and unmotivated. I need to do the dishes and make dinner. I at least have to do the dishes...I promised I would do those. But dinner? I just want to say fuck it and let the bitch of a sister that I live with fend for herself.
The thing about this 2nd session is that we weren't even discussing things that were that big of a deal. I just talked about how alone I felt, and how difficult it was to struggle against wanting to cut/drink when I've had a bad day. Talked about how I hate feeling out of control. Talked a tiny bit about my living situation and how its impacting my mental health. We didnt even talk about the abuse or anything that should inspire this intense reaction. But I'm still this raw nerve that wants to just sit on the couch, play video games, and not deal with anything. I want to sleep. Sleep these feeling away, even though I know it won't solve anything in the long run.
But the fact that a single session leaves me such a mess is...troubling. I need to be able to function, and if I'm this messed up every thrusday after a session I just don't know how I'm going to do that. I don't understand why I'm so emotional and unmotivated after therapy. Don't understand why I don't have better control of myself. Why can't I just tell myself to snap out of it? To stop being such a wimp and suck it up and deal with it?
I do tell myself these things. But they still don't help. I don't like being this emotional, or this emotionally drained/volatile....but I don't know how to stop being this way.
At least I'm not taking it out on other people. At least I'm the only one suffering right now. Thats some small comfort...
i have to make routine in my life instead of jumping up to whatever place i feel like my discharge from my doc depends on this among other things which is not going to happen i have not been stable for 30 or 40 years so unless they come up with a mood stabilizer that may work so there is is 1 yr with no moodswingsnow it is getting worse i have been taking a cab to crfafgt store spendin g money...
Hi. I just want to connect with someone. I'm home isolating.