I'm new to this site and I'm just looking for people that can understand what I'm going through. I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was 12, although the doctors think I had it all my life. When I was about 15, the doctors changed their mind and said I have bipolar II disorder. I've been through everything you can imagine from suicide, self mutilation, severe rages, acting out in classes, hallucinations, etc. I'm now 20 years old and I've been trying to get back on my medicines, but everytime I do, as soon as I start feeling better I accidently forget to take it one day then I get all screwed up. I've been doing this since I was diagnosed. The doctors have only tried 4 meds on me since diagnoses and I think because I've quit them so many times, they just don't work any more. Just a few weeks ago I was taking 900 mg of trileptal, 100 mg of topamax, and 300 mg of effexor. That was actually too much because I literally felt nothing. My own husband and mother could have called me every name in the book and I would have been like, "okay" and that's it. Without the meds I would fight and fly into one of my rages on a manic day or just cry hysterically on a depressed day. I'm going back to the doctor on Thursday to see if he change my medicines to something completely different. The problem is, how do I know if the new meds will be working or not... I've been like this for so long, what does a normal person think or feel? I don't even know and that is the hardest thing right now for me to come to terms with. My family tries to support me with this, but they don't understand. They think I can force myself to "control" my emotions, but I can't. It just happens. My husband tries hard too, but his way of supporting me is criticizing me about not taking my meds and it really doesn't help. If I get all bipolar on my family, instead of trying to calm me down and help me get through it they fuel the fire even more until I'm about ready to slam my hand into a wall and break it like I have before. The only person that understands what I"m going through in the family is my cousin's fiance. She is also bipolar and just got out of the hospital. In fact, we are going to start going to a bipolar support group every other week. It's scary because she and I complete each other's sentences. Anyways, enough about all that. If anyone has any advice or treatments that worked for them, please post. I'm desperate.
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