I'm new here. Sorry this is long, but it's just everything that's been bouncing around in my head lately. Feelings of not being understood by my partner, and not seeing my therapist for a few weeks have me desperate to vent. I also volunteer at a crisis center, so I can't call them anymore like I would have in the past (they do encourage you to talk to your peers, but a lot of this is really personal. I rather not spill to co-workers, even if they are in the mental health profession).
I have been struggling recently with my diagnosis. I sometimes wonder if I really have BP or maybe I've just been dealing with the trauma of my late teens and early 20s. I've delt with CPTSD and substance abuse. I also have a hormonal imbalance called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom which is a recipie for a built in chemical-mood imbalance by nature of the disorder. I'm now 29 and was diagnosed as BP II in 2018. Previously I had been diagnosed with depression, but when my psychiatrist prescribed me Lexapro I went on a tattoo/piercing bender, and that seemed to signal a hypomanic state. My issues tend to be around impulsive spending, reckless and drunk sex (I have cheated on my partner in the past when I was under the influence) and periods of intense productivity and goal directedness, then I crash and struggle to do anything.
I've been with a therapist for a year now doing EMDR which has changed my life. We're working on so many things that I started to wonder if maybe I'm not BP, maybe it's a lot of unaddressed trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms. When I brought it up to my psychiatrist she said there is no way to really know, if I want to try getting off my medications we can talk about it. Essentially it's up to me. But, that's kind of my problem...is my brain just telling me I'm fine and don't need meds because the meds are working and I think I'm fine? Or, am I really recovering and healing and was never BP to begin with?
The above situations (spending, impulsive tattoos and piercings, infidelity, substance abuse) read to me as BP, but I am also studying to become an LMHC myself, so I sometimes wonder if I am just trying to make sense of decisions that didn't make any sense by prescribing a diagnosis.
I have been on the same medications since 2018 once we found an effective anti-depresstant/mood stablizer combo. I'm starting to wonder if they aren't working as well, as I have been spending impulsively the last few weeks. I realized what I thought was me naturally being more productive and making healthier decisions a few months back may just have been hypomania. When I saw my psychiatrist, and talked about getting off my meds, I may have been hypomanic. Which scares and depresses me more, because it makes me wonder if my meds need to be adjusted, not ended. I have been resistant to this because the last time I admitted I was cycling moods and depressed (quite a few months back) she suggested we add an anti-psychotic. Of course side-effects always sound scary, but these ones sounded too scary. Just the stigma of the term "anti-psychotic" makes me resistant to it. And the idea of being on yet ANOTHER medication. I take Rx's and lots of supplements for my PCOS, and then my BP meds, I can't stomach the thought of yet another pill. I'm like a walking pharmacy already.
I cried recently to my partner about my fears and hopelessness around my diagnosis; the idea of being tied to medications for the rest of my life, and the constant ups and downs and struggle to just be. I don't want my life to be this way forever. He tries, but he doesn't really get it.
Sometimes it feels like I will never be happy because there is always the crash at the end. When I'm feeling great, I think I have finally turned a new leaf. I think that I've finally conquered it, only to find myself on a BP support group because I've hit another wall. The logical side of me knows to accept that this is likely a life long condition, the desperate side wants to believe it's not.
Sorry this is so long and rambly. The TLDR is:
I don't know if my medicaiton is working. I don't know if I even need medication. The idea that I will always be this way is a realllll bummer (that's putting it lightly).
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
I got mys econd Covid shot. The clinci was supopsed to be set up in an old storefront, and adults getting 1s shots to this side, kids getting 1st shots to that side, and adults getting 2d shots like me to the middle aisle. Only it was total chaos. NOBODY told the volunteers about it, apparently.Over half an hour standing in line, in an unventilated old storebuilding, sweating b/c it was maybe...
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