Hard week for me. It has been 8 days since my last ECT treatment and when I came home from the hospital.

I went on a horrible call this last Thursday too! There is this guy who lives down the street from me...we'll call hime Bob (Not his real name). Well Bob is a bit of an ecentric person and has had a very difficult life at times. You name it and he has struggled with it...money, wife, kids, police, drinking, drugs...the list goes on.

Bob has been doing a LOT better however lately. Been going to church a lot more, getting help and imporving his and his families lives. Bob has also ben a really good friend to me in my struggles and has proven to be one of those people that I have been able to vent with or talk to when I have been down. Bob has also been a big support to my kids. My 13 year old daughter Sarah rescued 2 young half dead horses a few months ago the were abandoned down the street from us (we live in rural Idaho). Bob was the first person over here to help Sarah. He has given her instruction on horse care, loaned her hundreds of dollars worth of horse care items like saddle, lead ropes, brushes, blankets...etc. He even brought her a one tone bale of hay to help us with the costs.

Bob is a great guy...a real gem. Well...he is also paranoid a lot of the times and does not like cops. He tends to be very confrontational with police when he has to deal with them. Thursday he and the wife got into an argument and the police were called.

When they arrived they approached him (in plain clothes) and Bob in one of his paranoid moments pulled a rifle out. The police responded, and shot Bob in the chest 4 times.

Being an EMT with the fire department I responded when I heard the dispatch come down (I recognized the address the "shots fired" call came down as Bob's). Having just heard the shots clearly from my house (I live a 1/4 mile away) I responded.

Bob was on his hands and knees bleeding badly when I got there. He was breathing on his own...but it was hard. We layed him down and he recognized me as his friend and looked at me right in the eye. As we worked to control his bleeding and provide him oxygen he quit breathing.

We provided CPR on Bob for 10 minutes or so before Bob was declared dead in the back of the ambulance. I am still hurting from the loss of my friend and my inability to have done more to osave him. I miss him very much.

Bob's wife is devestated as is his daughters as you would expect. They both have been so kind to me and thanked me for trying as hard as I did to save Bob. Bob's wife says she is grateful he had a friend there with him in the end.

I know it is part of the job...but it hurts! Bob was never diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but he knew about mine. I was slowly working to poiont out simularities between Bob and I to him in hopes that he would get help for himself. I wish I had been more direct now.

I know Bob is in a better place and is no longer in pain...I just wish things had went differently. I wish I had gotten him to talk to a pdoc, I wish I been able to do more to save him, I wish he hadn't been so horribly damaged beyond what any of our skills could overcome.

There are other Bob's out there. I hope I can meet them and be their friend too. I hope I can do for the other Bob's what I was not able to do for this one.

I know none of this is my fault, I know I did my best, I know I was a good friend to Bob, I know it brought him peace as he passed to have a friendly face there with him, I know things happen for a reason and we may not understand that...

...BUT I KNOW THAT NONE OF THAT MAKES IT HURT LESS OR SUCK ANY LESS!!

So here's to all the misunderstood, ecentric, colorful, cowboy mentality "Bob's" out there! May you all (may we all) find peace, love, understanding, and happiness in life!