I need help. I've been/still so afraid of this Bipolar diagnosis. I have been awful this week. I've been eating like crazy. I can't remember things I should, irritable, intolerant, can't consentrate and it always ends in tears. I had a "mommy dearest" moment. I was putting away laundry, went into my husbands closet and saw 1 empty hanger. I was so pissed, I said out loud, mother f******, c*** s***** (thank goodness he wasn't home and the kids were downstairs). OMG! I'm not the cursing type and how direspectful. I am so ashmed of my behavior. What the hell is wrong with me??!! I was so angry I felt physically ill and just started to crying, praying to God to help me. I'm really SCARED. Is it because they took me off Wellbutrin? Is it from the Lamictal increase? I've been running from this Bipolar diagnosis and think I just had a reality check. I recently started to see a phychologist for council and phychiatrist for meds (2nd one). The thing is, when I have my sessions, I feel good. I left his office on top of the world and optomistic. A few days later, crash and burn. I wish I could schedule my appts for my worst moments! It just seems when I do have an appt. I tend to make light of things cause I feel good. Not hiding anything, it's just my reality at the time. I started to write things down but I've done this before...rationalizing my behavior. I have an appt. tomorrow. It really is the moment of truth. I refused to fill the serquel script. I told him I didn't believe I was Bipolar. I said I just suffer from depression. I explained my cleaning frenzy's as a coping mechanism. I give up. I don't have a freakin thing to rationalize the hanger insident with. Now I'm deepressed and crying. I'm so down right now. I need to know for sure, if I do take this med, it won't make me worse. I don't hear voices, I'm not delusion. My worst fear is ending up in a physch. ward. I have 2 small children and my husband is the only one who works. I don't have family that would understand or not judge. What about the facial tick side effect. I'm giving my self a panic attack. Deep breathing...it will be ok right?
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