I pride my self on never missing work. I was on dialysis and worked 32 hrs a week. I went to work when my blood pressure was dangerously high and my dialysis nurses advised me to go to the hospital. I went to work after sleepless nights and death of friends and family members...when I was struggling with grief. I went to work when I was suicidial and had to call the suicide hotline everyday before clocking in.
After my transplant things changed. I am much more likely to say "screw it" and go home if I feel unwell. I ended up going home early today because I felt weak and out of breath and shaky. I ended up sitting on the floor of the breakroom for a few mins before I realized if I'm feeling this bad I should go home.
I can't make myself push through anymore, and with covid I know I shouldn't. But the fact that I'm missing work... the fact that I feel so guilty and shitty about leaving early....that is more bothersome than me feeling bad physically, which I do.
I know I did the right thing. I know I'm doing the safe thing for me and people around me. But I still feel like an awful person. I still feel like a failure because I can't seem to make myself push through anymore. I mean, I was dying and on dialysis and I still went to work.
In my head I know that taking care of my health is better. But my emotions don't agree. There is some part of me that is screaming "why didn't you push through! You could've stayed! You could've finished your shift! You've felt worse in the past and didn't leave! You were dying on dialysis and didn't leave, didn't miss a shift!! Why didn't you push through?"
and then, at the end of that rant, it screams "Why are you so weak and pathetic? A drain on everyone's resources! A lazy, awful burden!"
I can't make myself push through anymore. And that scares me. I've always pushed through. Its how I've survived. If I can't gather the energy to deny myself and do what needs to be done, consequences be damned, then how am I going to get through the rest of my life? How am I going to overcome health struggles and emotional struggles?
If I actually am starting to recognize my life and health is more important than a job...if I can't push through in this arena, what else will fall by the wayside? I dont know why this scares me so much. But it does. Denying my physical and emotional needs to keep up appearances, or get things done, or appear strong has become a way of life. Its how I live. How I survive. Why does doing what is probably physically and emotionally healthy feel so...vulnerable and wrong? Why do I hate myself and feel ashamed and embarrassed and weak for taking care of myself?
I feel like a liar and phony. I could've stayed. I didnt feel "that bad", even though i all i wanted to do was put my head on the desk and not move.. Its better that I didn't stay at work. But I could have. I could have pushed through.
And the fact that I didn't is killing me with shame.
HiI jsut wanted to say HAPPY SUNDAY and I hope everyone is doing well. Thinking about you. Whatever is going on. Wherever you are.Happy or sad Please remember thatYou aren't aloneWe are here Fighting back!!!Living!!!Propeling onward with youYes, you!!!
I know I may be over the top with these check-ins.... I like to hear how others are doing so we can check in with one another.how is everyone doing?I started a new med today and I am soooo sensitive. Instantly feel effects. So though I want to go out I have been staying in doing laundry and cooking. The sun is shining but air is crisp. think I'll watch some movies and stay under a...