I watched Girl Interrupted last night, I crave it sometimes, and I locked onto the part where Valerie throws Suzanna into the cold tub and tells her that she's making herself crazy. Is that what happens when I have a horrible swing? Can I really talk myself into a manic or depressive state? And I realized that yes I can. If I can fight my way out of one, then it's just a matter of coping skills and thinking patterns that can put me into a swing. If I can't deal with what's going on around me, what better way to distract from situations then by telling myself that I am too depressed to leave the house, or I'm really manic right now, I can't call Dad he'll hear it in my speech. I'm not saying that I don't have a chemical imbalance, I'm saying that I have more control over my brain than I realized. Since being diagnosed, I have embraced the swings instead of fighting my way out like I used to do...and they just seem more intense. I am glad that I have a name to attach to my symptoms...but I am still me and I can still take on anything.
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