I was diagnosed with BP almost two weeks ago, still coming to terms with it and struggling with its own meaning in my life. I have been against taking medication most of my life. I always thought with enough support, love, hobbies, God, patience, meditation, healthy eating, exercise and therapy I would somehow overcome my "irritability or mood or craziness"....then I got diagnosed by my Pdoc (that was referred by my therapist) and he told me "We better start you on medication", so I did. Like a good compliant patient I did. The first few days went well, I think I just wanted it to work so badly so I could be me again and for a second I believed it was working, after about day 7 I noticed I wasn't so irritable and obsessive which was nice, but by day 12 suicidal thoughts hijacked my brain. Everything I saw was a sick means of death, somehow giving something else life....I WAS is in these mixed states where death was almost a game and looking back on it, it scares the HELL out of me! Last time I remember being suicidal like that was in my teens! I called my Pdoc and the soonest he could get me in is 10 days! 10 DAYS, that feels like years when your moods fly from one end of the spectrum to the other in a matter of hours or days. It is so frustrating to be such a rapid cycler. The only other thing the Pdoc said was to check into a hospital, but I don't have the $ for that and I have already been on SLR for 10 days now from being so sick from this freaking oinkment of a flu! Meanwhile I have stopped the medication, my migraines are all out of whack after being stabilized for 6 months and at this moment I feel good, but I don't know if I want to play this medication game and pay all this money out of my butt to see this Pdoc. My insurance doesn't cover this and as I can cover a visit once a month with medication every other month I can't do this start stop stuff and my migraines are out of CONTROL again!! I am so frustrated! A part of me wants to go back to what I was doing before (natural)....both ways are unbearable, but I won't go broke! Are Pdocs this hard to get ahold of? IF I go back on medication I need someone I can call incase something goes wrong, I don't want to go out of this world because of a medication throwing me WAY down and me not able to get up..... seriously, this medication would NOT give me any highs, just lows and horrible mixed episodes........sigh.......I am frustrated....plus I think the meds slow your response time...I felt a little slower in general, does anyone else feel this? I just want to do my hobbies and enjoy them again....
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