Everything seems so shallow. And I don't know how to make it meaningful again. I want to go back to my life of obliviousness, where this grief didn't plague me. I want things to matter again.
So much of my life is meaningless. A meaningless task followed by another meaningless task. So much of life in general is meaningless. Part of me wishes I still believed in God. At least then I felt like I had a purpose. Like there was a reason I was here. Now its just this conglomeration of tasks that I perform until I die.
I dont know if thats the grief over my donor, or my aunts death or R's death talking, or something deeper going on...I want to be oblivious. I want to go through life without this sense of futility and vague idea that we are doomed as a species and that things will never get better for humanity. I dont want to feel this hopelessness about politics and race relations and violence. I want things to be better. I want humanity to be good--to be what it can be.
But I don't think that's going to happen and that hurts me. I think I've been reading the news too much...
I just want to matter. I want things to MEAN something again. I want to live my life without thinking about the shallow nature of daily existance...
Maybe I'm on fb too much. Idk. But something needs to change in my life so I can find meaning again....
How do I make life about more than the sadness in the world and in my own heart? How do I have knowledge of all the hatred and death and destruction in the world and live with some measure of peace?
my new narration job. I don't know if I can do it. The anxiety is too much. It won't go away, and it just keeps getting worse! I can't stop crying! I never cry! I can't eat. My stomach is in knots! how do people do this! I don't know what's worse, the anxiety, or the thought of quiting! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!