Just need to vent. Its taking a lot of discipline and control not to give in to my urges and hurt myself or go totally insane and start screaming my head off which is what i want to do right now. apparently the duty cpn is enough help for me, there is not and will not at any point be cover for my cpn however long she is absent. i went to my gp surgery but she just looked at me like i was talking alien, said "what exactly is it you need?" in this condescending way and told me there was nothing she could do. im starting to wonder if everyone is right about me and i have some kind of complex that makes me think everyone is against me. its either that or i have very bad luck trying to get help. my mum is sitting giving me occasional withering glances and sighing now and then. if i try and speak to her she just gives me a look and says there is no point talking to me. if people wanted me to feel like a constant source of disappointment and waste of space they have certainly succeeded. i just want to scream in everyones f*cking face and tell them just what its like living with this, or rather dying with it as seems to be the case lately. Being resident lunatic is hard work and I've had about enough. I was supposed to be going to Oxford...now look at me...getting from one end of the day to another without paracetamol or razors being involved is considered an achievement. excuse me if this sounds like some sort of pathetic pity party (how alliterate) it isnt intended to be. i suppose i am feeling sorry for myself. but frankly i think ive earned it with the shit ive taken from every angle this last month. might just refuse to get out of bed ever again. that way i cant go out and hurt myself and im out of society's way. everyone wins...and for what its worth (contrary to what my gp seemed to think) i do my best to be positive and have a sense of humour. it just gets to me sometimes.
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