So I am in a major mixed episode right now. My mind is racing so fast that I can't keep up with it. I keep thinking of ways to hurt myself. Drinking a bottle of bleach, taking a knife to my wrist, over dosing on my medication. What would be the cleanest way to kill myself and make it look like an accident? Oh my God what is wrong with me. It is a beautiful day outside and I can't even enjoy it because my mind won't shut up. I just took 1 mg of Xanax and so far it's not helping. I am looking for a way to make it stop. how am I supposed to work like this tonight. I had and appt with my tdoc today and lied to her and told he that I was feeling fine. I was at that moment. But then I got home and it all changed. I feel like a failure at life. I wish I was already living with my parents. My mom would take me to the hospitla. But I can't go to the hospital here. I have no health insurance and it would cost a fortune. Besides, I have to work tonight. I feel like I can't do anythig right. I feel like I am never going to get better. I feel like I don't deserve to get better. I feel like I am supposed to be crazy for the rest of my life. What the hell man? What did I do to deservse this. I have good days and I have bad days. Today is a really bad day. I don't feel like I am worth anyone's time. Why would anyone waste their time on me anyway. I tried calling my mom but she was too busy getting her hair doen to help me. I can't get ahold of my best friend. I am all alone. I feel like noone cares about me. Why should they? I am not worth it. I just wish this would all end and stop and go away. I wish my mind would shut up. I wish I could give a crap. Why did I lie to my tdoc? I don't know. I was afraid she would have me committed. That's not an option at this point. I just want it to be over. I wish my meds were working. I wish I knew who would take care of my dog if I wasn't here to do it. He is the only reason I am alive at this point. I am rambling so I guess I'll shut up now. I've taken up enough of your time.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??