To start off, I don't have a pdoc, as I have very poor insurance and there are really no local resources for people where I live except for the Criminally Insane, so unless I try to kill someone and am deemed mentally incompetent, there is no help for me. I was getting meds from my GP, who wants to try a new med for me soon. But here's the problem: I'm almost seven months pregnant. My GP and my OB have told me to stop taking my meds, as there are none considered safe during pregnancy. I have so much stress, because I have my three-year-old daughter to look after; we live with my mother, who I don't get along with; my medical bills are amounting to about $15,000 by the time the baby comes and I cannot work because I am neither physically nor emotionally capable of working without any meds; I am attending school full-time, so I might have some future to look forward to; my husband is working full-time and going to school full-time, and he seems to have given up trying to help me with my disease. This pregnancy has negatively impacted nearly every aspect of my life, and now I feel like I don't even want this baby anymore. (I would never do anything to hurt the baby, I know it isn't the baby's fault.) I know that my husband has a full enough plate, but without some kind of support, I really think I might hurt myself. I have no support anymore, because I can't talk to him without him getting angry. If I try to tell him how I'm feeling, he just turns it around to being about how he's under so much stress. I understand this, but I don't think he realizes that without his help right now, my disease might just become terminal. I am afraid that this pregnancy, without any meds, may have damaged our relationship too much to repair. I spent most of last night on the bathroom floor with visions of suicide repeating in my mind, and I couldn't tell him or seek comfort because he was already mad at me for keeping him awake with my stomach pains (the reason I spiraled into suicidal thoughts in the first place). I have no one to turn to, because I have not had a friend in about four years. I want to believe that it will get better, but I can't see it now. I can't work, I can't have friends, and now I'm losing my family. My mind just keeps telling me that the best thing for everyone would be for me to jump off a bridge, but I don't want to do that. I'm just really scared that I will. I guess I don't have a question with this, there isn't anything I can do but wait it out. I guess I just hope that someone can understand me. No one in my life does, and I have been so lonely for months now.
Posts You May Be Interested In
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...