To start off, I don't have a pdoc, as I have very poor insurance and there are really no local resources for people where I live except for the Criminally Insane, so unless I try to kill someone and am deemed mentally incompetent, there is no help for me. I was getting meds from my GP, who wants to try a new med for me soon. But here's the problem: I'm almost seven months pregnant. My GP and my OB have told me to stop taking my meds, as there are none considered safe during pregnancy. I have so much stress, because I have my three-year-old daughter to look after; we live with my mother, who I don't get along with; my medical bills are amounting to about $15,000 by the time the baby comes and I cannot work because I am neither physically nor emotionally capable of working without any meds; I am attending school full-time, so I might have some future to look forward to; my husband is working full-time and going to school full-time, and he seems to have given up trying to help me with my disease. This pregnancy has negatively impacted nearly every aspect of my life, and now I feel like I don't even want this baby anymore. (I would never do anything to hurt the baby, I know it isn't the baby's fault.) I know that my husband has a full enough plate, but without some kind of support, I really think I might hurt myself. I have no support anymore, because I can't talk to him without him getting angry. If I try to tell him how I'm feeling, he just turns it around to being about how he's under so much stress. I understand this, but I don't think he realizes that without his help right now, my disease might just become terminal. I am afraid that this pregnancy, without any meds, may have damaged our relationship too much to repair. I spent most of last night on the bathroom floor with visions of suicide repeating in my mind, and I couldn't tell him or seek comfort because he was already mad at me for keeping him awake with my stomach pains (the reason I spiraled into suicidal thoughts in the first place). I have no one to turn to, because I have not had a friend in about four years. I want to believe that it will get better, but I can't see it now. I can't work, I can't have friends, and now I'm losing my family. My mind just keeps telling me that the best thing for everyone would be for me to jump off a bridge, but I don't want to do that. I'm just really scared that I will. I guess I don't have a question with this, there isn't anything I can do but wait it out. I guess I just hope that someone can understand me. No one in my life does, and I have been so lonely for months now.
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