This post is going to speak about suicide prevention and suicides. I AM NOT SUICIDAL nor do I intend to speak on the exact ways people have died by their own hand. THIS MAY TRIGGER YOU ARE WARNED!
Irish mentioned Kevin Hines in a post earlier. I looked him up on YouTube. Man, this guy is good. He survived an attempt and now speaks about it around the world.
It has been a reminder to me that this illness LIES to us and LIES a LOT. We are NOT worthless, used up or crazy (I hate that word). Others DO care whether or not we live. This illness lies and tells us nobody cares. People DO CARE.
I am part of that "ripple effect" as suicide has had an effect upon me. My cousin had several attempts and finally succeeded but death took a long time to come. I saw her when I was around 11 maybe a little older in the ICU (my grandma was also in ICU for her first heart attack). I saw how NO PUN INTENDED how deathly white my cousin was and decided right then and there not to go down that road (of specifically what caused her death).
That was my first introduction to suicide. I have had school friends (more than one) suicide and I knew a young man who was in the military (younger than my kids) died by his own hand. I also had a former love die by his own hand. THAT hit me worse than ALMOST all the others put together the exception being the military suicide. I suspect the former love was also bipolar. Man that would have been a helluva disaster if we had had a real relationship and (if I am by chance correct about the bipolar) both hypersexual at the time. A relationship purely based on sex. This was well over 30 years ago and before my husband and I were married just a little FYI. Hubby knows about this. Sorry if TMI but I do have a point to make.
We ALL make mistakes. The relationship I had is one of the major mistakes and regrets of my life. The bipolar really took over at that time in my life (in retrospect). I was also undiagnosed at that time. My point is that mistakes are going to happen and regrets are inevitable. The point is to FORGIVE YOURSELF. If I can forgive myself and put one foot in front of the other and just start doing the right things then that gives this illness less room to get in my head and tell me those lies and feeling guilty (the bad kind of guilt).
Types of guilt. Guilt can be good or bad. The good kind of guilt is oops I screwed up big time and I need to not do that again LEARNING FROM MISTAKES and not repeating them = good guilt. Bad guilt is hanging on to the guilt when I have realized I made a mistake and take steps to not do it again but hang on to the guilt and what my bipolar get in my head and tells me. These are just my opinions.
I don’t feel real. Nothing feels real or alive. I just don’t even know what to do for myself anymore. I feel like I can’t survive this I feel like it won’t get better.