So I decided that since I didnt have to work again for a week that I would come to where I Feel safe. To my parents house. I was a VERY long trip down here. I kept thinking about wrecking my car. Thank God I had my dog with me otherwise I would have done it. Then I spent the last 2 and a 1/2 hours of the trip think about when I got here there would be knives. I could cut myself and enjoy it very much. I was diong so good and now I feel like I amk spiraling out of control. I am locked away in my bedroom so I don't go into the kitchen and get the knives. I want to help my mom clean but I am afraid that I will drink the cleaning fluid. Thought about spraying that bathroom deodorizer in my mouth just to see what it tastes like. What's the mtter with me. I told my mom how I was feeling and she asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. Part of me feels like I should but the other part wants to remain strong and ignore all of these feelings. In the same breath of her asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital she said, well let me finish the floors first. So I took a scalding hot shower. Having taken myh maximum dose of xanax allowed for the day and am now locked ina room with my dog for entertainment. I feel like such a loser to be feeling like this. My mom thinks I am on here to much and I ahve tried to explain to her how much you guys have helped me and when I am feeling good that I am able to help others. It is a good feeling to know that I am not alone. I don't want to die, just want to hurt myself really bad. Take away the mental pain and anquish. I just don't know what to do anymore. I givve up and give in. This disease is winning control over me.
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