clearing out what could've been, ive been wallowing in my own confused, and insecure delusions...these words come froma tool song...46 & 2...If you have never heard the song, id suggest it...its very very descriptive of how my life seems to be, trying to figure myself out lately, trying to uncover truths, trying to get back at all the things that eat me alive. I wonder why I had to be bipolar and why i have to have so much pain. Why would i hurt myself to ease it? Sometimes i must be pretty selfish and insecure. i know im ugly, ugly like the picture of death. an unclean spirit, uncaged and rabid. I cant help but constantly feel worthless and without reason to live. I love my family and friends but i still feel as if theyd be better off without me. Luckily i dont feel "suicidal" but the counseling and meds arent so great, just yet. I have a great, wonderful counselor, who obviously knows his stuff, but i dont yet have any desire to love MYSELF. an animal, cold and vicious, and relentless, self loathing. WHY ME, i ask myself over and over. then i find myself at it again. thinking of a clean, easy way to die. Hell, i took like 14 seroquel on night recently hoping id stay asleep, comatosed and unaware of my bullshit pathetic life. what is it with me?
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??