Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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ive been crawling on my belly

deleted_user
deleted_user
clearing out what could've been, ive been wallowing in my own confused, and insecure delusions...these words come froma tool song...46 & 2...If you have never heard the song, id suggest it...its very very descriptive of how my life seems to be, trying to figure myself out lately, trying to uncover truths, trying to get back at all the things that eat me alive. I wonder why I had to be bipolar and why i have to have so much pain. Why would i hurt myself to ease it? Sometimes i must be pretty selfish and insecure. i know im ugly, ugly like the picture of death. an unclean spirit, uncaged and rabid. I cant help but constantly feel worthless and without reason to live. I love my family and friends but i still feel as if theyd be better off without me. Luckily i dont feel "suicidal" but the counseling and meds arent so great, just yet. I have a great, wonderful counselor, who obviously knows his stuff, but i dont yet have any desire to love MYSELF. an animal, cold and vicious, and relentless, self loathing. WHY ME, i ask myself over and over. then i find myself at it again. thinking of a clean, easy way to die. Hell, i took like 14 seroquel on night recently hoping id stay asleep, comatosed and unaware of my bullshit pathetic life. what is it with me?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Dude , I spent most of my 20's feeling that way, eventually it passes. There is no clean easy way to die, even if it doesn't hurt you it will hurt someone, somewhere in your life some one looks at you and admires your strength and they keep going. I don't mean to lecture I just know its true
deleted_user
deleted_user
I really think you need to start doing some positive things in your life to boost your self esteem. Do you have any hobbies? Play sport. What floats your boat.

You really don't deserve the flogging you are giving yourself, it really isn't helping you is it. You get on with your counsellors that is a start, you really need to let yourself go from your pity and pain.

Your looks you were born with, and you will pass on with. You have use of all your arms and legs correct, so get busy using them for some good. What about volunteer work? Help those less fortunate than you.

You should be less critical of yourself and find something you are passionate about. HUGS :))
deleted_user
deleted_user
lol...youre right rosie, but its like this...ive warmed my hands by the fire of demons, and its like i just dont give myself credit for the good things ive done in life...which would be a big mound if thrown together. i just feel like ill never be "normal" or calm for more than a few days at a time. and as far as positive things..i collect baseball cards, which im very into, you should see me light up when ill pull an ozzie smith card or an autograph or game used memorbilia card...i play sports games on gamecube, hang out with my son..my daughters a little hard, but i still hang out with her..and my wife...we do movies..go hang with friends and stuff. but i still feel a huge void. i miss my loved ones that have passed...its too hard to let go
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are valuable to your family and to us. Sometimes, we have to crawl on our bellies. As children, we had to crawl before we walked. Think of how proud you're going to be when you take your "first step". Man, just keep trying. Keep crawling until you can walk. No one here is gonna look down on you. We are all there or have been there. So keep going. Keep talking. Keep on being you. You're special. There will never be another OneOfThose. We wouldn't have it any other way.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi. Your words are moving and I've felt what you just expressed but was not able to find the words. Each day I find a way to deal with the pain, and know I'm too fucking good of a person to give up on MYSELF. There are many at DS that are supportive. A virtual hug for you because I care (((((hug)))))
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oneofthose are your meds helping you? Maybe you need a med change. We all cope with death in differant ways, but Im sure they would want you to go on and lead a happy and fruitful life.

Baseball cards hey, nice one can you play baseball? I can't LOL.

So you are getting out and doing things with the family, and that is great, except you are feeling a void, well you need to fill that void with something, I think we all as humans have voids in us, thats what makes you do something to fill it or keep going and trying to fill it up with something.

Im just rambelling now I got to go feed the horse. Peace :))
deleted_user
deleted_user
actually im thinking of asking my pdoc if he thinks theres mor or better meds for me...the doc that prescribed my meds just left it at seroquel, and shes just a practicing doc...so im going to get a new one when my insurance at work kicks in...but id listen to suggestions here, even tho were all different and dont have the same needs for certain meds as others
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yeah, keeping in mind that we all do respond differently to meds, based on our unique makeup, I've found depakote was good at controlling my manic side. Depakote and seroquel together.... But you do need a good pdoc to evaluate and work out the best med or combination of meds for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Some of us feel that way too, worthless and useless. It takes a long time to build up self esteem. Try and dwell on the good things you've done. And talking to those less fortunate on DS helps too when you can see your impact on them. You have value, you just don't see it. Try and recognize each day you can help someone else.
peace, teresa
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hey, One. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do, and I wish I had all the right words to say to you right now, but I know I don't. Just please hang in there. I have to keep reminding myself that one day, it'll be better. Do I believe it? Not really, but hopefully I'll continue onward until I do. I can't leave my family and friends, and you know why. It's the same reason you need to stick around for your's. Look up. You'll get out of that black hole just in time.
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