clearing out what could've been, ive been wallowing in my own confused, and insecure delusions...these words come froma tool song...46 & 2...If you have never heard the song, id suggest it...its very very descriptive of how my life seems to be, trying to figure myself out lately, trying to uncover truths, trying to get back at all the things that eat me alive. I wonder why I had to be bipolar and why i have to have so much pain. Why would i hurt myself to ease it? Sometimes i must be pretty selfish and insecure. i know im ugly, ugly like the picture of death. an unclean spirit, uncaged and rabid. I cant help but constantly feel worthless and without reason to live. I love my family and friends but i still feel as if theyd be better off without me. Luckily i dont feel "suicidal" but the counseling and meds arent so great, just yet. I have a great, wonderful counselor, who obviously knows his stuff, but i dont yet have any desire to love MYSELF. an animal, cold and vicious, and relentless, self loathing. WHY ME, i ask myself over and over. then i find myself at it again. thinking of a clean, easy way to die. Hell, i took like 14 seroquel on night recently hoping id stay asleep, comatosed and unaware of my bullshit pathetic life. what is it with me?
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