I am talking to my friend right now. He is telling me how he is feeling lost and confused at school. How he is wondering if it [school] is worth it. I ask him if he has ever felt suicidal and he said no (ok now he admits that he has thought about it but never wants to do it). It seems odd to me since just today I have been thinking about it. Since being on my meds I haven't even thought about it (but then again I haven't had as much stress as I do now). And right now I am feeling depressed. But it seems almost weird to me that he has all that stress and confusion and feelings of being lost and he hasn't really thought about it. Right now it is hard to keep myself from really thinking about it. I guess talking with him is making me realize how different I am. How much being bi polar effects me. I walked through today at school feeling like crying and feeling like I just wanted to give it all up before I got started again. I am still in the progress of fully understanding all of this and I haven't been on meds for even a year yet. Right now I wonder how everything will be. If I will be able to cope with a sudden increase of stress without feeling like I want to escape. If I will be able to not feel so alone or that the things I say wind up driving people away. I really just want to figure this stuff out and be free from it. I don't know...sometimes when I wonder if it is all worth it I am considering life. I just wish I could get to the place I was several weeks ago when I felt as normal as I ever had. Not feeling like I did before I started my meds (though not quite as extreme). I think I digressed from my original thought. But this became more of what I can't seem to escape no matter how hard I try.
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