Bipolar Disorder Support Group
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At the end of August I had a psychotic break from reality. For the three months leading up to it I was smoking marijuana and I believed that when I asked questions of God he would slip the answers into my thought process. I've always had a serious problem with my own religious beliefs. I don't really know what I believe and at various points in my life I've thought I could hear the voice of God. My conception of God has always been of the most kind altruistic entity in existence so it's not like I was telling myself anything bad. I just told myself that God loved me and that I was like Jesus Christ. I believed that anyone can be like Jesus and communicate with God, but that most people didn't have the power of belief required to do so.
In the three months leading up to my psychotic break and resulting hospitalization I quit my job where I made over $50K, I left my fiance and I started working for a glassblower 16 hours a day as his apprentice without pay. I blew through my savings and 401K and ended up selling everything I'd ever owned. I was supposed to go to Hawaii with him at the end of August, but as the months went by he became more and more disturbed by my behavior. In the end he didn't know what to do because he didn't want to take me so he beat me within an inch of my life, called the cops and had me taken away while I was unconscious. I woke up in the hospital with a collapsed lung from him kicking me in the chest while I was unconscious as well as a ton of other injuries. I believed that I was being crucified and I started rambling random religious rhetoric. My mind lost control of itself and they took me to a psyche ward once they'd stabilized me.
It's been two horrible months where I've taken or am taking the following medication:
Zyprexa (stole my soul)
Lamictal
Lexapro
Buspar
Wellbutrin
Trazadone
Hydroxyzine
Xanax
Ativan
I'm down to just Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Trazadone and Hydroxyzine. Everyday I wake up feeling hollow inside. I haven't felt any emotion in over a month and a half other than the ache from not being able to feel anything. I have no appetite and food doesn't taste good or bad to me. I have an infinite disinterest with life. I can't see a single reason to keep living. I can't see myself ever living a happy sober life. Since I was 18 I've never felt good unless I was doing some form of a drug. I've gone periods of time without drugs, but I'm always anxious for no reason about nothing. I feel like my mind is an engine revving as high as it can go, but I'm in neutral. It feels like a combination of OCD and ADHD. I think all the time with great intensity, but I can't concentrate on anything for very long. I'm at the point where I just don't see the upsides of life being worth living through the downsides. Everyone tells me to go through the motions and eventually I'll start enjoying something, but it's so hard to do when everyday nothing changes. I don't have a job, I don't have any money, I don't have any possessions and because I have no other options I'm living with my parents. I have a couple interviews for some decent positions, but even when I get a job I never really put much effort into it and I grow bored of them very quickly.
Please tell me that there is hope. Please tell me that I'll feel again. I can't hear it from other people because I feel like none of them know what I'm going through. The psychiatrist just looks at me with this sympathetic look and tells me to give it time. I'm a very impatient person by nature so that is rather hard to do. I always feel cold too which probably sucks the most. I hate feeling cold.
Anways, I don't really feel like I have much point to this anymore. I keep thinking of the title of a Smashing Pumpkins song or album entitled "melancholy and the infinite sadness" and it just feels like whoever wrote that phrase must understand what I'm feeling.
In the three months leading up to my psychotic break and resulting hospitalization I quit my job where I made over $50K, I left my fiance and I started working for a glassblower 16 hours a day as his apprentice without pay. I blew through my savings and 401K and ended up selling everything I'd ever owned. I was supposed to go to Hawaii with him at the end of August, but as the months went by he became more and more disturbed by my behavior. In the end he didn't know what to do because he didn't want to take me so he beat me within an inch of my life, called the cops and had me taken away while I was unconscious. I woke up in the hospital with a collapsed lung from him kicking me in the chest while I was unconscious as well as a ton of other injuries. I believed that I was being crucified and I started rambling random religious rhetoric. My mind lost control of itself and they took me to a psyche ward once they'd stabilized me.
It's been two horrible months where I've taken or am taking the following medication:
Zyprexa (stole my soul)
Lamictal
Lexapro
Buspar
Wellbutrin
Trazadone
Hydroxyzine
Xanax
Ativan
I'm down to just Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Trazadone and Hydroxyzine. Everyday I wake up feeling hollow inside. I haven't felt any emotion in over a month and a half other than the ache from not being able to feel anything. I have no appetite and food doesn't taste good or bad to me. I have an infinite disinterest with life. I can't see a single reason to keep living. I can't see myself ever living a happy sober life. Since I was 18 I've never felt good unless I was doing some form of a drug. I've gone periods of time without drugs, but I'm always anxious for no reason about nothing. I feel like my mind is an engine revving as high as it can go, but I'm in neutral. It feels like a combination of OCD and ADHD. I think all the time with great intensity, but I can't concentrate on anything for very long. I'm at the point where I just don't see the upsides of life being worth living through the downsides. Everyone tells me to go through the motions and eventually I'll start enjoying something, but it's so hard to do when everyday nothing changes. I don't have a job, I don't have any money, I don't have any possessions and because I have no other options I'm living with my parents. I have a couple interviews for some decent positions, but even when I get a job I never really put much effort into it and I grow bored of them very quickly.
Please tell me that there is hope. Please tell me that I'll feel again. I can't hear it from other people because I feel like none of them know what I'm going through. The psychiatrist just looks at me with this sympathetic look and tells me to give it time. I'm a very impatient person by nature so that is rather hard to do. I always feel cold too which probably sucks the most. I hate feeling cold.
Anways, I don't really feel like I have much point to this anymore. I keep thinking of the title of a Smashing Pumpkins song or album entitled "melancholy and the infinite sadness" and it just feels like whoever wrote that phrase must understand what I'm feeling.
deleted_user
I hated that "nothing-ness" feeling, too, but weigh your options because the opposite side of the coin (regaining full feeling of your emotions) is even uglier. Numbness, I can handle for a while. The pain and chaos, is a different story.
deleted_user
Things will get better. Wish I could say more than that, but trust me, they will improve. Don't give up hope.
deleted_user
Just be welcoming to the new "drugs" they should be as close to drugs as you get. As for everything else im sure you'll get your life back. Don't lose hope, please don't, all of us are going thru the same thing. There is so much trial and error with medication so be patient. Just take it day by day. Take it easy. We're all here we all understand.
deleted_user
I wish I knew exactly what to tell you, what to do, etc. All I know is, I've felt much of what you describe, the nothingness, deep sadness, extreme agitation/anxiety and hopelessness. I feel some of it even now, but when I was at my very lowest point, things did eventually begin to look up. It's a slow process, and like you, I am very inpatient, but try to hang in there. Anytime you need to vent, come here for support. I'll listen anytime you need to talk. It's very important to have a good support system. Do you have friends around you? Are your parents supportive?
deleted_user
The period following a psychotic break feels horrendous, it definitely improves. It can be really hard to be motivated, but exercise, lifting weights or whatever can bring some relief.
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