THIS WEEK IS GOING TO BE VERY TRYING FOR ME...IT MARKS A YR ON MY CALENDER OF A VERY BAD WEEK...JANUARY WAS NOT A KIND MONTH FOR ME ...THE 29TH WAS THE DAY I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE.. TAKING A FULL BOTTLE OF ATIVAN....IT STARTED OUT WITH JUST A FEW TO CALM ME DOWN..AFTER WALKING OUT FROM WORK... I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE I WAS BEING SUSPENDED FOR THE DAY....AFTER TELLING THEM I WAS GOING TO TRY TO GET DISABILITY...THEY KNEW I WAS HAVING PROBLEMS, MENTALLY, BP WAS ROARING, ITS REALLY UGLY HEAD WAS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL..I WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH SEVERE CLINCAL DEPRESSION... I GOT OUT TO MY CAR... TOOK A FEW AND DROVE AWAY IN FULL BLOWN I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD CALL THE STATE?? ( ANYONE )?? I WAS CRYING AND IT SEEMED LIKE I WAS LOOKING OUT OF SOMEONE ELSES EYES... CRYING, TUNNEL VISION, FOGGY,AND NUMB,...AS I WAS DRIVING AT A RATE OF SPEED NOT SAFE..IT STARTED TO SNOW HARD..I POPPED A HANDFUL.. INTENTIONS OF NOT COMMITNG SUICIDE..I WAS OUT OF CONTROL..POPPING MORE UNTIL I RELIZED I HAD TAKEN TOO MUCH...I CALLED MY THERAPIST TELLING HER WHAT WAS GOING ON...POPPING MORE...I DROVE 25 MILES THIS WAY...TALKING TO HER THEN HANGING UP ON HER...I FOUND MYSELF AT A PLACE I CALL MINE AT THE LAKE....THE SNOW WAS COMING DOWN SO HARD NOW I COULDNT SEE OUT OF THE WINDSHIELD....STOPPING MY CAR. POPPED MORE FINISHING THE BOTTLE OF 150...MY CELL RINGING IT SELF LOW.... NON STOP FROM DIFFRENT NUMBERS.. I DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO NO ONE.. I ANSWERED..MY HUSBAND HAD BEEN TRYING TO CALL ME...TALKING TO ME FOR IT SEEMED TO ME HOURS..BUT IT HAD ONLY BEEN 10 OR SO MINS...I WOULD NOT TELL HIM WHERE I WAS..FINALLY IT JUST CAME OUT..WHILE I WAS WAITING FOR HIM...I WAS ON TOP OF A HILL SIDE LOOKING DOWN A DROP OF 50 FT OR MORE..I WANTED SO BADLY TO GET OUT OF MY CAR AND JUMP...BUT I COULDNT MOVE...THE THOUGHT OF DRIVING OFF CAME TO MIND BUT I JUST COULDNT MOVE...I DONT REMEMBER MUCH AFTER THIS JUST BITS...WAKING UP MOMENTARY WHILE STOMACHE BEING PUMPED FIGHTING THEM...I WAS TOLD THAT I HAD TAKEN A LEATHL DOSE AND WAS FLAT LINED TWICE.......I AM NOT BRAGGING ON MYSELF ABOUT THIS..I JUST WANTED TO TELL MY STORY..SO YOU KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH...I AM STILL FIGHTING WITH THE DEAMONS INSIDE OF ME...IT HAS BEEN A MONTH SINCE I HAVE TAKEN ANYKIND OF MEDS.... I AM TIRED OF LIVING A FAKE SMILE ON MY FACE..AFTERALL THE PDOC TOLD ME I WOULD BE OKAY..EVEN AFTER I TOLD HER I STILL DIDNT FEEL RIGHT LAST APRIL...PRAY FOR ME THIS WEEK...I NEED DS MORE THAN EVER NOW IN MY LIFE...
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