even when i was a child i was weird. i remember being twelve years old wanting to jump out of a three story window. and since i was eight i've been overdosing on stuff.
but tonight feels like one of those nights. one of those nights when i may not wake up tomorrow. i already took what little was left of my sleeping pills and more than a few of my anxiety pills. i just wish i had some jack to wash them down with.
it's not even like anything in perticular is wrong. i'm sure you people understand. i just get like this sometimes. like i don't want to live any more.
i try to do the family thing when they all come over. but each time i see them i feel more and more distant from them. and then there's times when my mom and i will be sitting on the porch talking about stupid shit and all i want to do is scream out HELP ME!!! but i can't ever get those words out of my head and to my mouth. and then i get mad at her for not being able to tell that i'm in pain. but how could she know? i never tell her anything.
before the main thing that kept me alive on nights like this was my belief that if you kill your self you go to hell. but last night i was chatting with a preacher and he said that as long as you are saved, you will go to heaven, even if you kill your self. i Really wish he hadn't told me that.
so i guess now the only thing keeping me alive is the fact that i haven;t writen my note. and, as a writter, your suicide note is your ultimate peice of writting.
by the time any of you reply to this i probally would have taken more pills.
but i'll leave it in your hands.
if anyone can give me a reason to live, i will. but it has to be a good reason. not the generict "you're so young. you'r life has just begone." or "you'll feel better tommorow" or any of that fake shit. i want REAL reasons why i should continue to live with this pain. this lonelyness, this craziness.