I suppose others would refer to the feelings I'm having as selfish...and that's why I'm needing you all. Does anyone else get severely depressed when they look in their future and see that they will never be without the BP? Never without the meds, never without the constant fear that those you love won't be able to handle another outburst, never without the moods or the highs and lows...never without the paranoia? Sure...meds will hinder it..if you're lucky enough to find that certain med (which I so far haven't)...but it won't cure it completely. And say you do find a med that is amazing...what about all of the side effects. It never ends. I'm 21 and I'll be this way when I'm 31, 41, 51, 61, until I die. But the trouble is...this disorder, this disease, whatever you want to call it...it doesn't kill you. You just suffer endlessly...and wait for something else to kill you, whether it's at the hand of yourself, someone or something else, or just nature running it's course. Does anyone think that if they had the choice to trade their BP for a disease that actually kills them...that they would? I sometimes think it would be better...at least those who have something that kills them have an eventual end to their suffering. But then...I think, if I traded the BP and no longer had it...and i traded it for cancer...or something like it...I wouldn't feel this way anymore and I would be upset to know that I was dying when I had all this living left to do... Sorry to be a downer...I needed someone who would listen...and hopefully understand. If I said these things to my boyfriend or my mom I would be put on suicide watch and thought of as selfish or delusional...perhaps I am. But I am not feeling suicidal, so don't think I'm coming on here saying I am. It's just something that struck me last night when I (once again) was unable to sleep.
Thanks for listening,
Thanks for listening,
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