Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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I suck .... This post is a bit long..Venting

deleted_user
deleted_user
Well I couldent have possibly tell everyone here but I quit smokeing pot last week after 10 years. I had held out for 5 days ..i was so proud of myself. I really was. But everyday was so painful ..my heart beat 1000 miles a minute , panic attacks back to back , bad headaches and uncontrolable crying spells. So friday Saturday I woke up and immediately felt suicidal .Ive only felt like that one time and spent 6 days in Pshyc and vowed I would never go back. It was 5 AM and I was curled in a ball holding on to my bible and screaming. Billy woke up and helped calm my beast. He took off on work that day, so now his check will be $100.00 dollars short. He asked where my Ativan was and I told him I ran out. He couldent believe it because I never run out early. I didnt put 2 and 2 toghether and while the 5 days I was getting sober I was takeing about 5 Ativan a day (really fucking dumb) ..so the day went on and things went ok untill about 5 O'clock ..than something in my head just snapped ! I flipped out and we got in a huge argument. He left the house to walk it off and I got in the the car frantic and drove to my mothers house. I was still shackeing and crying ..ao I asked her for a bottle of wine. I havent drank in 2 years and wanted to get wasted. I sat in our room all night with the door locked with a bottle of trazadone and a bottle of Merlot. I got on DS and Dobie was on ..she talked me down from a really scarey place. I was so insane that night ..i really almost did it. I love you Doobie !! I went to sleep and woke up with a really bad headache and very ashamed of myself. I immediately started talking about him yelling at me the night before. It started all over again ..I went nuts again .. i cut my arm 3 times. Not deep ...just a couple of scrathches. The day went downhill quickly .. I just couldent take it ..chest pains , awful guilt and shame. I hated my self .. I talked to my mom again and she asked me why I was so crazy and If I took any Ativan ..I told her I was out and she freaked . She told me that I was being like this was because I was going thru withdrawl from the pills. She was right ..it hit me ..I was psyco from a damn narcotic pill addiction. So then I told her to send my step father to go get me weed (dont ask why he gets me weed ..lol) But I fucked up again and smoked !! I really fucking blew it this weekend ..drank and smoked. I am so dissapointed and discusted with my self. I dont see Pdoc untill after the holiday. Did anyone of you totally screw up your life in 1 weekend like I did ?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I truly understand. No you are not screw up. Things like this happen. You are doing your best to stop smoking weed. We can relapse into the way we were especially when we are under a lot of stress or going through withdrawal. But remember, you can get through this. It is going to take time. But know that you have support from your friends and we love you and care about you no matter what. Love you Sweetie.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thanks alot Teresa ..i sure do love that I can vent here ...i need it so bad today
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh my! Please don't beat yourself up over this....you were trying to do a good thing by not smoking and then you ran out of Ativan..you were just trying to do something good..but also something very difficult.

You were just trying to cope. So you did somethings you feel bad about but please give yourself a break. No one's perfect and you were going thru not only withdrawal from pot but from Ativan too! Take a minute to consider how difficult that is....you did the best you could under the circumstances and you are STILL a GOOD person! You have not screwed up your life...you just did the best you could under the circumstances. I'm glad you talked to people..

I am not supposed to be drinking but guess what? I still do from time to time, even to the point where I got sick last weekend (I went to a party). I did have some guilt but what could I do? It was a done deal--can't take it back now.

You will be okay...I think you'd try to do too much too soon. I hope you can get more Ativan and take as prescribed...and maybe you need to wean yourself off the pot slowly instead of cold turkey.
deleted_user
deleted_user
KD, you are trying so hard. And you are not a screw up and you don't suck! Honey, everyone relapses. A habit like yours that you have been doing for as long as you have is so hard to break and you are going through so much. And from what I understand you are coming out of depression, right? Baby steps, sweetie. You have us for support and know that you are a very strong woman. I have seen it in you over and over on here....if anyone can do it, I know you can. But if you stumble, don't kick yourself, just get back up and keep going! We are here to help you keep going too. There are plenty of hands reaching out to help you up!
Love you sweetie!
xxxx

PS
I've been there with coccaine many years ago, but I didn't have anyone there for support.....so reach out hun, we all care about ya!
dobiedots
dobiedots
Yeah, several times, when I was in a rage and destroyed everything in my path including relationships.
You move on KD. Don't look back. Fix what can be fixed and move on. Don't dwell in the guilt.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You guys are so great ..your here to lift me up ..I feel less horrible already ..Thank you so much
dobiedots
dobiedots
Of course we lift you up...you're so damned cute and TINY!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
shit , i thought thats how life went , you mean im screwin up all the time , not just the weekend , believe me , ive just shouted at some poor man for parkin in my street , he touched the only nerve i had left today, lots of love to you honey , i hope you feel better soon x
deleted_user
deleted_user
The pot was laced.
deleted_user
deleted_user
First of all..I love you KD and I think what you're attempting to do is brave and wonderful and I'm very proud of you. But like Dobie said, don't look back..just keep pushing ahead and you'll beat this thing..you're a strong little booger
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sorry, I know there's more to it. But, if you're that addicted to pot and have that much of a hard time giving it up it is most likely laced with some shyte.
I quit smoking pot and had a couple days of withdrawals. The home grown I use to grow at home didn't have anything in it but THC and I had no trouble when I chose to stop smoking it. THC isn't such a big deal. What do you get from it anyhow.. and it only lasts about 15 minutes. What happens in the resin coats your lungs and stops the oxygen from reaching your brain so you get high along with the minor affects of THC. It's hogwash.
I know about the wine too. I like merlot and bought 2 litres at one time and drank it in 2 days. Yup I think I have a problem with that. Thank God I only buy any form of alcohol once a month.

It's a learning process. We seem to use stimulants and drugs to fill some empty place. Then our mind becomes the empty place and we're all phucked up.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Love you Wee ..im a booger huh ? Your some belly button lint
deleted_user
deleted_user
Don't be so hard on yourself. You were trying do something positive, your heart was in the right place. I think maybe you should level with your pdoc about this and maybe he could help you in some way. Take care.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hey, it sounds like you had a hell of a weekend, and I admire you for hanging in there and pulling through it. As I was reading about your withdrawal, the Ativan occurred to me. Coming off a benzodiazepine of any kind is, well, hellish crazy. It's actually very dangerous. It's good that you were trying to stop smoking, and you deserve credit for that, but maybe it was giving in and deciding to smoke again that got you through the Ativan withdrawals. Next time, be better prepared. Know how many pills you can take and still come out with enough when you really need them. You WILL succeed! We're rootin for you!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Take a deep breath and try not to be so hard on yourself. This coming from someone who beats themself up on a daily basis lol, I know. Anyone who says that there is no addiction to pot or withdrawal symptoms after longterm use are clueless. Yeah it seems a relatively harmless drug all things considered but it's still a mood altering drug. It does take awhile for your body to adjust to being without it. It's not as bad as others to quit but it's by no means fun or easy. I know someone close to me who had smoked daily...ALL DAY for almost twenty years...to the point where the only time they felt "normal" was high. They appeared to function just fine so the use was never an issue. Never bothered me, I like the smell and never knew them any other way. I do happen to enjoy seeing the entirely here person they are now more though. They just had a period of a few weeks without it and realized how much of a fog they had been in. How much they were using it to cope. Deciding to quit was the only easy thing about it. The mood swings alone were hell not to mention the other discomforts happening during the first two months. You aren't the only one...it happens. I can only imagine what it is for you having a mood disorder on top of it. It did get easier...it does fade. Hang in there. Maybe make a list of the things about it that make you feel good, make you want it and then find something else that could give you a similar comfort guilt-free? Sounds cheesy but IDK? I'm guessing you feel guilty so that might help make it a little easier. I'm just pulling straws here so I really don't know what I'm talking about. I didn't experience it...I just saw it happen. Take it day by day and applaud yourself for the days you don't.
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