Well I couldent have possibly tell everyone here but I quit smokeing pot last week after 10 years. I had held out for 5 days ..i was so proud of myself. I really was. But everyday was so painful ..my heart beat 1000 miles a minute , panic attacks back to back , bad headaches and uncontrolable crying spells. So friday Saturday I woke up and immediately felt suicidal .Ive only felt like that one time and spent 6 days in Pshyc and vowed I would never go back. It was 5 AM and I was curled in a ball holding on to my bible and screaming. Billy woke up and helped calm my beast. He took off on work that day, so now his check will be $100.00 dollars short. He asked where my Ativan was and I told him I ran out. He couldent believe it because I never run out early. I didnt put 2 and 2 toghether and while the 5 days I was getting sober I was takeing about 5 Ativan a day (really fucking dumb) ..so the day went on and things went ok untill about 5 O'clock ..than something in my head just snapped ! I flipped out and we got in a huge argument. He left the house to walk it off and I got in the the car frantic and drove to my mothers house. I was still shackeing and crying ..ao I asked her for a bottle of wine. I havent drank in 2 years and wanted to get wasted. I sat in our room all night with the door locked with a bottle of trazadone and a bottle of Merlot. I got on DS and Dobie was on ..she talked me down from a really scarey place. I was so insane that night ..i really almost did it. I love you Doobie !! I went to sleep and woke up with a really bad headache and very ashamed of myself. I immediately started talking about him yelling at me the night before. It started all over again ..I went nuts again .. i cut my arm 3 times. Not deep ...just a couple of scrathches. The day went downhill quickly .. I just couldent take it ..chest pains , awful guilt and shame. I hated my self .. I talked to my mom again and she asked me why I was so crazy and If I took any Ativan ..I told her I was out and she freaked . She told me that I was being like this was because I was going thru withdrawl from the pills. She was right ..it hit me ..I was psyco from a damn narcotic pill addiction. So then I told her to send my step father to go get me weed (dont ask why he gets me weed ..lol) But I fucked up again and smoked !! I really fucking blew it this weekend ..drank and smoked. I am so dissapointed and discusted with my self. I dont see Pdoc untill after the holiday. Did anyone of you totally screw up your life in 1 weekend like I did ?
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