As many of you know, I was disowned by my "mother" last week and now longer have one. I am really ok with that. After hearing her tell me that she has had ill feelings of me since I was "13" years old, it has put so much into perspective for me. At that age, I had not yet begun any of the troublesome parts of my life. I now understand why I probably did do so many of the things and associated with the people that I did. Even if it is not said outright, a child can feel when a parent does not love them. Although I have felt for many years that SHE did not love me, I did not realize that it went back that far. Now I am also questioning my diagnosis. For all of the years that I was away from her and going through very trying times raising my babies alone in anything but easy circumstances, I was always able to survive and stay positive even when we were homeless. I was around others that were in similar situations, and we shared each others strength. I did not have my "mother" around to ridicule me. It wasn't until I moved back to my home town and was around HER again, that I was constantly made to feel inadequate. It was then that I again felt worthless, that nothing I did was right, nothing I had was good enough, etc. and that is when the pressures on my built that I could not take it anymore and was initially diagnosed with depression, and then bipolar, and eventually borderline personality disorder. Pressure pressure pressure....trying to do right by HER. Trying to be better than I was as an older teen which she has always ridiculed me about. I have come to understand that the bipolar is a chemical imbalance within the brain. I was on medications for that and depression for many years. From my understanding, the borderline stems from events and circumstances in ones life. Since I have quit letting her control me over the past three years and have been off medication, I have been much more productive in many areas of my life, but still had the feeling that I was not worthy to be loved and was unloveable. Now with HER telling me this, and completely knowing that it was nothing that I did for her to not love me, and with all of the support of my friends here at DS and my friend in the real world (not that you guys aren't real, because you definately are, you know what I mean)I can really feel a sense of peace within myself that I can not even remember feeling before. One of my good friends went out with me Friday night, and said to me today "Everyone loves you. You know so many people and they love you so much". I can finally FEEL that love. I have always mistrusted and wouldn't let people get close to me before, and it is like the whole armour thing has been ripped off me now. The doctors only are able to diagnose us by what we tell them. If we don't know the answers, how can they correctly diagnose? That is why therapy is so important to find out WHY? Although it is a hurtful revalation for me, I am ok with it because now I know it is not me with the problem. I really pray that this happens to many if not all of you someday. It is weird, but I REALLY do feel GOOD!!!! I love all of you so much and thank you for all of your love and support!!!!
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