okay, so i'm feeling really panicky right now. i knew it would happen, but i just didn't care. i maxed out my credit cards. i just put me and my family behind again. i can only work part time and so i can't fix this mess quickly. ugh, why am i so freaking dumb? while i was driving away from teh store that declined my card i just felt frantic. i want to scream and make this go away. i can't even count how many times i've done this. usually this is where i lose it, reality hits me-there are consequences, i bit off more than i could chew. damn it i knew this would happen! but i see my doctor in two days. i can hold out being retarded for two days can't i? i go into what i call my 'explosive' stage. i go from 'good' to 'explosive' and that usually happens after reality hits and i try to cope by not coping at all. the fights start, the drinking starts, the smoking starts. i really want a cigarette right now. but i'm not going to. i'm going to deal with this. well-i'm not going to tell my husband. that will only make it worse. i'm going to finish the projects i started in the dining room and work as many hours as i can and try to repair what i have fucked up. BUT WHY AM I SO STUPID???? nope, i can deal with this. i just have to calm down, take my pill, clean the house and make supper. that is constructive and in some small way i am helping myself. i'll ask my boss if i can take on some extra hours tomorrow, which would normally be my day off. this is totally fixable.
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