I'm so sick of being the way that I am. I'm so sick of the ups and downs. I tried to go without treatment for the past 2 years and then recently I had to get treatment, I was losing it. Now I've found a medication (lithium) that doesn't give me terrible side effects and yesterday I decided I don't want to take it. I don't want to be medicated. I don't want to have fake feelings from a pill. I want to have real feelings. I'm tired, I don't feel like getting out of bed. I never take naps and all I want to do is sleep. I'm having all these thoughts about the big picture, like there is just no point to me even living. Ok, so I live, have a crappy job then die. What was the point to it. Nothing! what difference did my life make, none. why live, I don't see any point to it. I don't know what feelings are real and what isn't anymore. I don't know if I should take my meds or what. At least this time around I'm not in denial about being bipolar, I get it, my brain is all fucked up. I don't want to deal with this anymore.
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