Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
No one has died, no one has violated me today, and I can't seem to keep my thoughts together. I feel like someone has sucked out my soul and replaced it with something dark, and awful. I tried to get help last night as I told in another post. I was sent away and told to do other things. I have this overwhelming feeling of utter dispare. I don't want to go to the hospital because there they will charge me 500 dollars for a freaking shot of geodon, and give me a script I can't afford. I see this situation as hopeless even if in reality it's not. That's how I see it. My stomach hurts really bad. It's all in knots, and yet I am starving! I don't want to eat because I am afraid I will throw up and I hate throwing up. I can't turn to my sister cause I know how she really is. She used to work at MHMR here in Brownwood. When I would see her, I would say hi, and she would get this look on her face like, OHH GOD! Please don't associate me with you." So eventually I just stopped saying hi to her. Now that she is not working at MHMR she tries to call, and stuff.. but only to ask if I have been reading the bible, and if I am still walking with the lord. "smerk" AS IF THAT IS GOING TO FIX EVERYTHING!! She is one of those "fantic" christians that believe all people with mental illness are actually possessed by evil spirits. So to shut her up I started going to church, reading the bible. Watching TBN. Those people are really weird! I am not trying to bash anyone ok. Don't take it the wrong way. Please. I guess if some of this wackos on TV were locked in a room for weeks, and months at a time with nothing to eat, and given coffee cans to do your business in.. Then begging for just some bread.. and then being told that you are being punished because God told me ya'll were bad kids!! I was locked in this room with my three other cousins. So I have a real complex with people telling me that God will make it better! WTF ever. I have no where to turn but here. No one to talk to you but ya'll. No one will listen but ya'll. I'm told I am paranoid. I have a right to be paranoid of people that go to church and say, "OHH JESUS" on Sunday, and come home and beat the hell out of their kids on monday. When I say HELL. I mean that litterly. I have a problem with people that go to church and fall on the ground kicking and shaking like some kind of weirdo, and then pointing out that I am the one insane! I have a problem with BENNY HIN getting on national tv and acting like he can heal people, and taking advantage of peoples emotions, and then simply blowing on them and watching them fall over! I have a real big problem with people who say, "GOD WILL MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY, you just have to trust HIM".. TRUST HIM.. TRUUUUUUUUUUUUST HIM!!!! Are you kidding me!! Where was he when we were being starved, beat'n, molested, locked in a room all in HIS FREAKING NAME! Who came to save us? NO ONE. NOT EVEN HIM. NOT HIS SON. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE!! And yet I feel utterly guilty for not being able to love god, or jesus. WHY IS THAT? IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! Yet I am told on a constant basis by my uppity family that I am going to go to hell for my actions.. YOU KNOW WHAT? I"M IN HELL NOW YOU SICK TWISTED FREAKS!! Not you reading this, the ones that hurt me. I go for help to professional people, and they say I am possessed. I guess in away they are right. I am possessed by fear every waking moment of my life. I am possessed by hate every waking moment of my life. All my life I have been hurt, and abused by people who say they LOVE THE LORD, and JESUS is their ROCK of salvation, and so on. I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm just trying to get mine out. sorry, I don't mean to be a cry baby..
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
I love that name. Im going to just lay it out there. Its not your fault. Its really not. What happened to you then wasnt your fault. But what you do about it now is. If you let these people affect you like this then they win. To stand up and fight for yourself is where you win. Dont give them the satisfaction. Be strong ,be vigilant and be true to yourself. And maybe someday you can just talk to God. Not anything big. Just tell God that you feel bad that you dont love him. Maybe when your up to it you can ask him how you can. Before you know youve got a relationship with him. Not something for everyone else to see. Something between only you and him. And maybe that will bring you a little peace. Somewhere to turn when theres noone else to talk too.
Stay strong, live strong....
I don't see this post as offensive and I don't see that you are being a cry baby in any way.
Unfortunately, church going people are a little weird and hypocritical too.
You do not have to go to church to hold church. We are doing it right now. As long as someone is talking about God or our Lord or Jesus Christ our savior, etc... we are in church.
I believe that things happen here on earth, such as, what you are talking about; because we need to learn things. He has nothing to do with the evil you have endured. People were given free will. There are those who do things in the name of Love and others do things because they don't know any better. Just plain evil people. Especially when they feel no remorse. That does not mean that God is not with you. He is there all the time.
Ok, here is how I deal with this. You really have to believe to make it work. We people are like a computer system. There is a mainframe where all our information is passed thru. This mainframe gives us our life. Our computers transport information. There are wireless connections. Our brains have the capabilities to enable us to go wireless. Its called thought. With our thoughts we are able to pray. Only when we ask, can it be granted. We open our minds and ask for forgiveness of our sins. Even If we can't think of any. Then we can be forgiven and then we can ask for our thoughts to be good thoughts. We ask for the wisdom to become what we want to be and do the things we want in a righteous way. We ask for the will to execute these things that we want to do. This is just part. But it does work. We are all Gods love children. I think that we are already in heaven here on earth. There are just too many people that don't want it to happen. Ignorant people. People who don't know any better.
This is what I have to give to help you through your tough times.
I hoped this helps some. Keep talking to us because we have a wonderful community here at DS.
Someone will say the right things to you.
I can understand why youre concerned about the hospital bill.
I had to go to the er, wasnt suer if I wuld be admitted. I wasnt feeling right though and I knew that getting better was worth the bill. Ive only been diagnosed since about last oct and Im 39 in dec. this is a whole new ballgame for me. things have improve for me though so I hope that encourages you to pursue h elp.
on another note i have been a christian since i was 4---"born again"---believe that juses died for me.
unfortunatle ive always been jjudmental. believe that people should always strive to obey jesus and that they should adore him. but he showed me that thats not always so easy.
I was always so proud of myself for CHOOSING to do the right thing. then god showed ME. I had several manic and phsychoitc episodes. suddenly I couldnt control my choices or thoughts.
I guess what Im trying to say is, as a christian, I know you can have a mental illness and it doesnt mean your possessed or inhuman.
not all christians are like that. Im sorry youve had to experience such legalistic judgemental christians.
youre right---televanvelism is highly overrated. (actually, I dont know anyone who actually likes it)
on a question, have you been diagnosed with bp or ddepression? I couldnt see anything about it on your profile and Im not familiar with all the drugs yet.
hope you feel better soon.