I know that its really hard, because i know that its really hard also to know that you are doing that to another person.

for me, in my mind, at the time that im being in whatever mood, or state of mind that im in that day, i dont realize what im doing until i can look back and actually notice the changes in my behaviors, reactions, states of mind, beliefs, and feelings, etc...

thats when i feel the worst because not only is it completely unsettling for me to not know who I really am, but then I worry so much about my husband leaving me, and getting fed up with me changing all of the time....and never knowing when im going to laugh or flip out...

i know that he loves me and wants to be there for me, but i know that at the same time its depressing for him, which is depressing for me.

i guess i dont really know what to tell you, but maybe giving you an idea of what may be in his mind helps? i know that for me telling these things to my husband is hard, and i wish that he could just be in my head and know all of the things that i feel for him, and all of the guilt that i feel etc...

but ive made a commitment to seek help, therapy, whatever, and he has also done the same...

that really helps for both of us. be in it together, not seperately. go to thereapy together, and also seperately, talk a lot, make sure you both stay actively involved in the disease that way you are both aware of it at all times, and then he can even be like "okay i guess im having a bp moment, im sorry".

i dont know what your relationship is like, but i can tell that you truely do love him since you are willing to do so much, and try so hard.

i dont know if i helpped, but i hope so. good luck:)

This is a very hard subject, because I know you obviously love your husband. I am bipolar and my husband had to deal with me. (past tense he has passed away). What I can tell you is that no one can just keep sacrificing themselves to make others happy all of the time. It's not fair, we loose our own identity. If I could do things differently now, before my husband died, I would not have put so much on him. I am forever greatful that he stuck with me...I would not be who I am now if had not been for him. I guess maybe you can keep comunicating, tell him how you feel, and counciling sometimes works. You also need to make time for yourself, that is important for everyone: I lose my self in my art sometimes, it is relaxing and stress relieving for me. I hope this helps some.

MAKE time for yourself somehow.

Do you have a friend or family member you can spend a day or weekend with once in a while?

If not, take advantage of alone time, or make it somehow - a hot bath, a walk to the park, library, or coffee shop.

Journaling helps me get my feelings out a great deal. On the paper, and out of my head.

My girlfriend just turned 50 today and she let me know it. Today was one of those days that, no matter what, I could do nothing right. I recently divorced an alcoholic and I'm finding that most of the things I learned hold true. I very conviently had to go to work to handle an emergency. That gave me the opportunity to rejuvinate and talk to other people. When I returned home Julie was a little more calm and we talked. As is almost always the case with her, she remembered little of what happened and what she said. I didn't have the heart to tell her how she hurt my when she said she hated me, was dissapointed in me and couldn't understand why I didn't just leave. As sad as it seems I've developed a bit of a tough skin because I know it's not her talking but geeeeezzzz! It's hard most times.

My husband has Parkinson's and he is only 32. His wife is also 32. They have four children, and she has become the financial support of the family. I asked her how she did it without losing herself. She told me the most incredible thing. She said that my brother's illness had help her find who she really is. She has become such an amazing person, even though I know she must go through some real dispair. I think of her when I am giving my husband grief. So far, he has been very supportive and I hope and pray that he can hang with me.

Thank you all for your support and advice. My husband does get support from all of you here on dailystrength (he is plainfieldbill). He directed to me this sight to help me connect with others living in the mirror image.

You are right, I do need to put me first sometimes (even though I would feel guilty or selfish)... but then I fear the consenquence of going out...I even fear that if I were to attend church it would set him off and then the affects it would trickle down to our children... as it is my boys are afraid of churches due to my husbands psychosis last year.

Can I ask, do all you bp do the same things to your spouses.. try to control them (without intent)? Is it fear that you will loose your saftey net?

How can I do things with out it upsetting him or cause rifts in our life?

We BPs are such a mess inside our minds.

I tell my wife that when I am in a BP mood (rage, manic, hyper, sensitive, depressed, nervous, etc.), that anything I do or say - its all me and not her. Even though I say this it still hurts her so as she is so sensitive herself. She has never accepted this illness I have. She sees me as normal........

We BPs cannot explain what happens in our minds. The mind is messed up due to the illness, then on top of that it is affected by the meds we take to keep us even keeled. For me, anything may set off my anger but it is usually associated with sudden noise or stress. I cannot handle stress much anymore.

We cannot be made 'happy' by our spouse's love - in other words our BP condition is never going to go away with the love and support you give. It can be made better with their love. But we need the love and support so much in our lives.

Sometimes I tell my wife I must "isolate". Stress from the kids forces me to leave the room and go to our bedroom to decompress the boiling of my brain.

For me exercise is a must. Eating right and taking vitamins is also a must. But junk food tastes so good...

I have had to build a relationship with the Lord, well, a stronger one than I had when we met. I knew I wasn't going to leave and I also knew I couldnt' make him change. So, the choices were, to do the best I could and find out what God had to say about me and what I should do, or run. I wasn't leaving him. He is my best friend. But it has been rough, for us both. You do well in recognizing it as a disease and not some fully competent choice he makes. Their nuts.... in a good way. I love my man but it does wear on you and talking to others like this can help. This is my first night on this site and I would love to visit with you more. email me if you would like. Or message me...not sure how this whole thing works. But, seek God and He'll lead the only peacable way.
Heather

hi patient...let me add my wishes and support for you and your husband... i am in the same boat,,, bi-polar wife and at times i feel all alone, desparate, and just wondering what the hell is goin on and what did i do to deserve this..i do things for myself work-out, read, pray, and have found just posting replies on this site...i.e. talking about it helps quite a bit

LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND. GET SOME COUNSELING OF SOME SORT FOR YOU OR FOR YOU 2 AS A COUPLE. BIPOLAR RUINS RELATIONSHIPS SO I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON ALL YOUR EFFORTS TO STAY STRONG AND TO STILL STAND BESIDE YOUR LOVED ONE. AS A PERSON WITH BIPOLAR-THE ABSOLUTE SCARIEST THING IS LOSING MY HUSBAND OR HURTING OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY FEEL HELPLESS AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I am also the wife of a BP - and my daughter was also recently dx as BP. I'm also dealing with my mom, who is terminally ill. While I try to just act like everything is FINE, I started to realize a few months ago that I was starting to lose it -- so I began to see a therapist myself on a weekly basis. I'm not too good about carving out time for myself - so at least I have the one hour a week to focus on me and what I'm feeling -- it does seem to be helping. I must say - that this site is what is helping me the most, tho. I'm getting a huge amount of support from my friends on here. I'm here if you want to talk....

i can't say that i know how you feel. because i am the opposite, the bipolar wife. all i can say is that it is so important to hang in there and that he appriciates eveything you do. and everything you let slide. i know i feel that way of my husband. i know its hard. but you guys are all we got that is stable.

I feel exactly the same way you do. I think you explained how I feel exactly. If you find something that helps please let me know. I've lost myself too, and hate myself because I feel like I've lost myself and self respect. most of the things i do are to protect the bp person and it usually ends up affecting myself and kids somehow. we're sacraficing self respect self belief, and our entire being. i feel that anyway.

I am finding www.flylady.com's system helpful in getting it together.

I have BP, my husband has major depression. His depression was diagnosed after my last hospitalization.
He says he has been depressed since his ex-wife moved out of state with his children (before we were married), but he seemed fine to me before.
It is hard for me to know if he is telling the truth and the depression has always been there and I didn't notice it because I was manic and consumed with myself or if he lost himself in me (like you said you feel is happening with you) and then the depression set in.
BP is a never ending monster. Even when you are fortunate enough to find a good therapist and medication that will stabilize you like I have, you are faced with the residual effects daily and the damage that you have already done to your life and the lives of those around you. I wish every day that he could know for just a moment what it is like to be me. To feel the mania and then to feel the deep, dark, sorrowful regret. The regret that hurts so much you can't even admit to anyone else that you did anything wrong. The regret that eats you up inside and out for days, months and years of your life. The regret that hangs with you even as you repeat the same behaviors over again the next time you are manic.
BP's do not get pleasure from hurting those around them and they do not do it intentionally. But, I know that I have destroyed pieces of my husband that I may never get back and I know that I will probably hurt him again at some point. I also know that a person can only take so much. Love can do a lot, his love has carried me for many years and has sustained me through many trials but I am sure that there have been times that he has wondered if my love was going to carry him through or if my love even existed. I know that it does. I know that it is stronger today than it has ever been but I also know that there are days that the BP is stronger and on those days all I can do is pray that he will have the strength to stick it out one more time because as independent and defiant as I seem when I am manic, I couldn't make it without him.