Today has been the worst day i've had in so. so long. I don't know whether it's because the Pdoc has me on a new med. (Lamictal) & i'm not reacting well, or a lot of issues just came to a head all at once. Promised myself i'd get in & REALLY clean my bedroom; sweated, shook & had major anxiety attacks all through the day 'till I finally got it done. Then, my husband was on the phone with a friend & he was laughing at me with his friend because my biggest dream in life is to retire in Mexico. He told his friend I was a F'ing idiot & he'd never consider living in Mexico; over his dead body. I haven't really flipped in a long, long time but that just put me over the edge. I screamed at him while he was still on the phone & told him to stop laughing at me & that he was a son-of-a-b. All through our marriage he has had the last word on all major decisions. When he met me I was a single mom in crisis & he DID help me raise my children & is a good provider but ONLY if I go along with his decisions. He chose a town I didn't want to live in when we bought the house; I didn't want a 2-family house but that's all he'd consider; anything that is bought for the house is his choice,not mine. Because I have a spending problem my paycheck goes directly into his account & he doles out what he wants me to have each week. He isn't a mean man he just uses financial security as a weapon against me & a means of control. He said no chains were holding me if I don't want to live with him but he knows that's a joke, as I have nothing. No money of my own, even if I wanted to leave. This is sooo horrible, but he's much older than me & sometimes I sort of hope he dies so the house will get paid off (we have mortgage ins.) & then I can sell it & buy my house in Mexico. I know it's deplorable but I feel so stuck in a situation I can't get out of. I'm really a mess today. Usually I just don't feel anything much & just go on day to day......but not today,
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