Hi, don't be so hard on yourself. I too test my husband to see how far I can go before he leaves me. But guess what, he hasn't. Don't throw away a good thing, your soulmate may be just the thing you need to help you on your way to recovery. Regards Julie

Have you thought about couples counseling? I used to test people all the time to see if they'd stay with all my bad behavior. All I did was drive them away. If your fiance won't go for counseling - go without him to free your mind from these obsessive thoughts. Good Luck!
peace, teresa

It's a fear of Trust

I get stuck in the self-blame thing, too. But it is just as bad as someone else blaming you for something.

This can help, if you remember to think of it - when you catch yourself doing that, ask yourself what you would tell your best friend if they were in the same situation - and then realize, the same thing applies to you, too.

Or, if someone else was blaming you for something that you are blaming yourself for - what would you tell them?

Personally, I'd go to therapy. Well, I am going to therapy, just not for that.....

I have had a sucky life, too. Only I don't have the loving boyfriend and I pray for one that will love me with BP every day. My ex kicked me to the curb because of it...Try to sit through the uncomfortable ness. You will come to love having someone love you...Resist the temptation to kick the nice one to the curb and keep a bad boy-that's what I did and it SO did not work! 2 great kids though. Love, Dee

Go to therapy and learn to trust and accept love.

Does it give you a sense of control to think you're to blame for everything that goes on? If you were, then you could fix whatever went wrong. Look, shit happens, OK? If you try to control everything and everyone around you, you'll drive yourself nuts. Let it go; relax, enjoy, que sera sera, take a warm bubble bath w/candles and music, go swimming, do something w/him that's relaxing.
Remember the AA's motto? God grant me the whatever it is to know what I can or can't control and the knowledge to know the difference? You need to remember that....you can't control what your bf does or if an asteroid hits the earth but you can control how you are going to feel better.
Now go feel better.

You deserve to be loved for who you are and for someone to love you for who you are without trying to change who you are is the ultimate! You have to stop looking at the past and move forward, let go of yesterday, sounds like you have someone to stand beside you and your future looks bright!