I took my ex therapist reccomendation and called everyone on the stupid DBT list she sent. There is one person who accepts my insurance and she isn't accepting new clients.
I'm so frustrated. I feel like the people who are supposed to help me and provide me resources have just thrown me to the wolves. I want to cry, but know that crying won't solve anything. And I have to go to work soon and walking in with puffy eyes isn't really professional or ideal. Work is for work, and I've shown entirely too much weakness and emotion there.
I...messed up, and participated in self harm. I thought it would help. Would make me feel calmer or more in control. It did neither of these things. I should've known better, but I really thought it would help. I hate feeling so raw, and the idea of going to work like this and having to deal with shitty customers made me desperate.
I want to be in control. To not feel so...hurt and alone and grief stricken and abandoned. I know it is silly to feel this way about a therapist, but I really need someone to talk to. I've been struggling for 2 weeks with my grief, and a lot of other things. So when she sent me thst email telling me she wouldn't be working with me anymore...I just lost it. Ive been trying so hard to hold it together until our next session, and now there is no next session, so what's the point of maintaining my composure? Whats the point of trying so hard?
I'm so frustrated and feel so alone.
I need to get ready for work...I can't sit here and type out all my woes. As much as I want to shirk responsibility and do nothing but wallow in sadness all day that simply isn't an option...not with bills and responsibilities and life knocking at the door. Thanks for reading I guess...
My niece is upset cause I left her party early. I did spend two hours there but I just don't do well at parties. It was only immediate family so not that big. She's 7 and I wish she understood my anxiety like her teenage brothers. She pouted for a few minutes but by the time it was cake time I guess she perked up. My sister FaceTimed be for gifts so that was nice
I obsess on everything especially conversations I have had with other people. I have bipolar depression and OCD. I read that obsessing is a bipolar thing but am still confused. I am always confused. I ruminate about things I have said to anyone and everyone. Am I alone ???