We moved here 2 years ago and for that time I have not seen a doc for my BP to get meds going. I didnt want to believe my life would be filled with pills to function, but it is becoming very clear to me that I am not in control of myself, my moods, my feelings and more important my anger. I hate the process of finding what works. The last time I was on three different pills, and they made me more angry...I had begun to cut myself even more out of my anger or guilt. I had to have pills to go to sleep, pills to wake up, pills to smile....the one thing I hated was even though something was horrible in my life I could not cry. It was like the pills would not let me go through the emotions on the outside even though I was sad on the inside. My family said I seemed cold, like I just didnt care about anything any more. Really I didnt care, not so sure I even care now, but my husband thinks it is time to find a doc. I hate the process of going in and pouring myself out to someone who is going to sit and take notes, breaking only to tell me to try to keep my feet still as I talk! I dont feel like I can go through all of that again. I feel like I will be letting some stranger judge me. I guess this is a battle I am going to have for a while inside myself until something gives. I think my husband just fears I will hurt myself so he has to look all manly and stand up demanding I get help. Whatever.
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