My son died 4 years ago. My sister in law is having a baby and due in jan. My parents are acting like Isaiah never was even born... My PTSD is really bad right now, the flashbacks are unbearable, along with the reccurring dreams. I called my coulser today told her I was in crius and she said sorry I dont have any openings intill the 3rd... I can't make it till the 3rd.... My thoughts are racing..... I wanted to go say fuck it last night, my boyfriend stayed with me to make sure i was alright. I'm also hearing the voices of a baby crying again, it's driving me insane!! Only thing is I HATE the hostitapal, I have been inpatient about 15 times... Never helps.. they fuck with my meds and I get worse and spend more time there. my last hosp. stay was almost a month long... i'm at the end of my rope here... I havent slept in 4 days... i want to cut, i want to cut deep.... but if my BF sees them he will have me commited.. i cant be commited... i would rather be dead then be commited again. my last stay they also said if I come back, I have to stay in a group home for mentally ill for 90 days. NOT HAPPENEING... My hair is falling out in clumps from my Depakote. i don't know what to do... truth be told, i'm not afird to die, i would be with my beloved son and be happy. and not live like this... i know if i tell people my family and BF will have me commited... i cant go back there... last time they fucked withmy meds so bad, i had to stay forever... fuck fuck fuck..... any suggestions, please none about going to the ER, i know where they will send me, and that place is hell... life is hell
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