Sunday has generally been a good day for me since this is usually a day of rest from my daughter's severe anxiety and bouts of depression(her boyfriend comes weekends and her mood lightens). Today however I feel badly because I fear tomorrow's visit at the doctor for her will not treat her mood effectively. They gave her Latuda before and it so was awful she had to stop taking it then when she requested to get in earlier to see her doctor they refused to help her get an emergency appointment (so she's had to wait 3 agonizing weeks til her normal appt which is tomorrow, to get a new med). I don't know if she can handle another serious disappointment..this last week has been one of the worst. She has been borderline suicidal but said she didn't want to hurt herself (so they won't hospitalize her) and needed for me to sit with her almost every day to feel safe and stable enough to make it through. This scares me and makes me feel powerless. I had to call off work once last week to make sure she felt safe and work is upset putting more pressure on me. Good thing I was made for this darkness and can calm and lighten my daughter's fears because I too have obviously experienced frightening mental health episodes. I have come through the fire, changed my life for the better, and have learned to rely on management/skills to pull me through my times of need. It is hard on me to do this with my daughter because I love her so much and feel much more powerlessness due to our bond. I know I am projecting into the future and we are not there yet..we only have the present ...but I am still worried. I used to pray in times like this to get the strength to carry me through the day but instead I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I have an open long distance relationship with a long time friend/boyfriend of mine and feel the need to be comforted by him. He knows what has been happening over the last several months and gives me comfort when I reach out but it must not register in his mind how serious this issue has gotten recently. He doesn't understand the toll it is taking on me, how alone I feel right now and how afraid I am for my daughter if things don't start going better and ultimately for myself if things take a turn for the worse. I would like him to be more present but he is in more than one relationship, has a busy work schedule, has a son living at home and requires down time for himself..He is basically spread too thin. I need more of him even if that is all true as well as reaching out here and maybe getting into counseling again if things stay the same. My friends are all connected to work--and they are overwhelmed with the staffing problems there making me want to avoid them. The only other good friend is disabled and in bed half the time due to her own depression brought on by her boyfriend and family members who have past in recent years. My sister is overbearing- yet means well- but also lives a few hours away and I probably should reach out more to her.
I guess I just needed to vent today. I also bought myself materials to make a pretty fall wreath yesterday and believe it time to work on that to lift my spirits.
I'm seventeen years old, an recently I was disgnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I thought I would try to get my feelings out in the open with people who would understand what it's like to live like this. No one really understands me; a part of me is glad they don't because it exhauseting to live like this. School is about to start again and it's stressing me out, I don't know how I'm going to keep my...
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