First I want to thank you for sending me the information and stories you send everyday. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a few years back but I knew something wasn't right with me for as long as I can remember. My family also knew that something just was a little off when it came to my moods. Mental illness runs in my family and my father actually committed suicide when I was 13 which definitely hasn't helped matters any. He had just finally admitted something wasn't right and went into a hospital. I believe he got to the point where he knew exactly what to say to get himself out and when he did get out, he hung himself in our house. Now he was never diagnosed that I am aware of. I have always wondered if it were possible to get information from his hospital stay to see if he was and what his diagnosis was. I'm not sure it even matters to be honest. I am so much like him that I may as well just accept he had bipolar disorder. Although it frightens me that he may have had something different and I may end up just like him someday. I am going through a rough time right now. My family has supported me(my mom and sister) in everything I have ever done. They have tried to be there and understand why I do what I do. This last manic episode that I had just a few months back has changed everything. I really believe they just gave up and said they cant deal with it anymore. I think they dont want to have to help me or be there, or watch me go through all my moods. I had left my husband for the 4th time and actually got my own place which was actually a house my sister owned. I tried to tell myself everything was ok. I was fine at first. Gone for about 2 months before I started to realize I wanted to go back. It is like 2 totally different people. My poor kids. I feel so bad for what I am doing to them. They don't even know I have an illness, or why I do the things I do. I am so afraid they are going to grow up and hate me. I try to be the best mom I can be. I don't take out my feelings on them...but I do everyone else. Im sure they see it. They see that my mom and sister don't call or see me anymore. We talk every few weeks or so, but they dont come around. I feel like if they are giving up on me, then why not just give up on myself. Then I hear that other voice...from that little 13 year old girl that asks me...How could you even think that way? How could you do to your kids what your dad did to you? Thats just taking the easy road and being selfish and I knoe that right now logically thinking. Then i go back to without them I feel I am nothing anyhow. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I hate this. I absolutely hate having to deal with this every single day of my life. I am so frustrated and need your help. Should I just leave them alone and try to deal with this? I dont' want to hurt them anymore. I don't want to be a pain for them. I just want to love them and they me, and be able to have things the way they were before. Please help me.
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