Everything just feels so futile right now.
I finally feel like I'm on the right medication, because I've been much more stable. Like I've actually felt pretty normal/good for the last week and a half. So that is def a good thing.
But I'm just struggling right now. Not with depression per se, but I just feel like my life is so meaningless. Nothing I do has purpose. I'm just existing to make money, to pay bills, so I can continue to exist to make money and pay bills. It is just such a pointless, petty, pathetic existence.
I want something more from life. But I don't know what that "something more" is. Just...whats the point of existence at all if this is all that it is? Whats the point of this struggle for survival? There has to be more to life than existence, than this hand to mouth, barely scraping by, solitude filled drudgery.
What meaning does any of this have?
I used to believe in God, and for a time that satisfied me. But now...i don't know anymore. My sister tells me I need to create my own meaning and purpose. But how do I even go about doing that? This is all so discouraging and depressing. I think im going to take a few shots of vodka and try to sleep these depressing feelings off. Maybe when I wake up I'll feel like a normal human being....
It said I wasn't qualified as much as others to be a cashier. I have been doing it since 2007 and learned before that in 2001. Seems fishy to me. They take high school kids! So I went back and did more of a variety of job applications. Guess I will see what happens with them. I am going to call a friend who retired from cashiering a few years ago. See what she thinks.
Gramybear and Molly were attacked by a wild dog (I suspect due to the fires). Molly didn't make it. This is so sad. We need to send Gramybear our love and prayers. She is such a sweet person!