I just don't know what to do anymore about anything. Every day 99% of the thoughts in my head are not good.. i just want everything to be over. i was diagnosed with bipolar when i was very young and ever since have not been able to live it down so to speak. my parents and siblings treat me as if i am a lepar. im a sickness that is no longer human and everything i say needs to be analyzed for a secret meaning that is deep dark and psyco. if i yell or say my opinion about how i dont like something.. its not considered or even listended to. it is respoded too with a "your sick, thatst the sickness talking, your just showing your sickness more, your friends wont like you if they know your like this, why don't you just leave no one wants to deal with you anymore. everything i say is responded to with something like that..my best friend knows everything about my situation and has always been there for me and helped me through it. but she no longer is because one night she was drunk and was about to do something that she would regret in the morning so i went to talk to her and told her i she could if she wanted but i just wanted her to know what she was doing. and she took it the wrong way. she wants nothing to do with me now becasue all i was trying to do was help her. i hoped she would do the same for me but maybe this is just her excuse to not have to deal with a stupid psyco that has so many inconvenient problems for her life. well now i have no where to turn. every day i just think if i had a gun i know what i would do with it and i really would...i wish i had one just to end everythin. now think im pathetic for wanting to end it all but ive had to deal with this for 15 years. and its manifested into a pain that doesn't just hurt but aches my whole body to the point that i can't deal anymore. i have tried everything .seriously everyting and i have no more solutions so this was my last try. i just want the pain to go away. is that too much to ask. why should i have to deal with all this hurt. i don't understand why people, god, everyone expects me to be able to handle it anymore. cause i can't . lately its been less of the manic and almost all depression and i relaly don't know how much more i can take......
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