You know the last few months have been very hard on me. first dealing with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) that afflicts me every Sept.,thru Late January, then this time I spiraled into full blown depression which landed me on the MH floor. (Hospital). Well it was then that I reminded my so (SIGNIFICANT OTHER) that "um, remember I told you I have Bipolar Disorder?...Well welcome to my world, as she walked around the ward full of people that to her I'm sure were society outcasts. In that world, I considered myself amongst the normal.

Since telling my partnerof my disorder, she now sorta believes I'm not the moody evil B*tch, who needed slow down pills (Ativan) and 'something to keep me level (Klonopin, Lamictal cocktail). So now that she is so full of this information of what BP is and how serious it is, every disagreement, misconceived word or sentence that I say, I have to hear about my disorder and how 'you must be having a bad day...or I'm not going to argue with you.' I HATE to fight, and in the 7 years of my diagnosis have learned coping skills to avoid cycling to agitation, anger and then finally but rarely rage, but she seems to insist on taking me there and on purpose. I've lived with and dealt with this illness for 7 whole years alone, but in complete control. When I need help, I seek professional help without fail and without permission. Compliant with my p*doc visits etc.

I'm seriously believing that me telling her has really put us in a bad position after being together for a year. The biggest argument is always about me not wanting to spend time with her. I keep saying to myself did she not read the LARGE print that people dealing with depression, many times don't want to do the things that they used to love doing? Intimacy is the last thing on my mind, if ever?

I've come out of the darkness everytime back to my old self after the bout of depression, adjustment of meds etc. but the increased anxiety and intense pressure to perform act and respond like a loving partner is such a big part of me not getting better as fast as I usually do. I always get accused of not loving her, not thinking she's important, only thinking of my self, when I'm not with her she suspects I'm cheating (and I never have), I now have to censor what I say, our conversations are like manuveuring thru a mine field. Everything I say is construed to a whole new level, OI! I can't stand it, but I also can't just walk away from her like I thought I could because I love her so much. But I have to take care of myself and do what's best to maintain me as an individual with some lifetime issues.

I know she loves me, but I'm afraid in time, not much longer in time she'll get tired of it or I will, and the dreams of a life long partner will long be forgotten.

What should I do, has anyone else experienced this? I live by the mantra, "to thine own self be true" is that being selfish?

I don't think she'll ever understand. I'm at a crossroads as to whether I should understand or not, this is causing me such angst and I can only imagine what it's causing her.