I can’t say today I woke up wondering why I should even be alive, or running through every if and or but there is in the world with a never ending wha it... or possibly that my heads so foggy I can’t even think. The fog is what gets me, the want so bad to do something anything but having absolutely no ... thought... or next step or know to do so is the hardest. It’s like there’s so much go I build up but nothing to enforce.
... that’s not true though... because I have wants, desires, and I am motivated or can be... when I am me.. or I think it’s me? Do I even get to experience myself anymore? Wait ... this is who I am, or who I am choosing to be I guess
it’s the struggle between thinking im ok, and finally acknowledging I have an illness... perhaps. Not an excuse which some people don’t see but I actually just can not shake it.
Its lile i Le I wake up and just feel the “cloud”. It doesn’t even work over me but almost like it was meant to be there.. feeling like I have to push myself through it all. Creating frustration from lack of motivation, not having a want, desire, craving... just that frustration... my mind races... and it’s like suddenly getting out of the house has became a chore. No one matters, not even you to you anymore because suddenly everything is easier if you weren’t you, there... around. It’s like ya the hurt of others is sad but IM SAD, IM HURT... I’m frustrated but not with them myself. What about my head, this constant overload or work I have to apply just in order to get myself dressed even when nothing grabs my attention... it’s hard to not always consider what if. If the idea of death or not existing doesn’t frighten you. I feel like I am such a waste of a life... I have so much to give, apply and learn but where am I??? I’ve been searching ... where’s the girl I once knew ):
driven... motivated... determined not only for myself but for the others around me. Inspired by simple things. My lows have always been low and my highs never seemed like highs because I wasn’t so aware... I just can’t help but feel like I deserve this constant struggle or frustration I have. I deserve worse, I should have to experience pain.. sometimes to feel, physically feel is like the only thing keeping me within reality.
But today, we’ll today... I’m ok. I might even be me. I’ve been kind, patient, loving and calm. But whose to say how long this will be around. Brb until tomorrow. Day by day
my husband is dying. I try to do as much as I can to take it off his plate. I keep making mistakes, making him mad, making him wish he was dead. I have to be perfect. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much I just want him to be okay. I want him to be around and enjoy our daughter it I don’t know how to get him to see any positive in life.
i woke up this morning and checked my phone and I had a voicemail from the social security office. I called back and left a message. My hearing was June 12th. Is this a good sign?