I can’t say today I woke up wondering why I should even be alive, or running through every if and or but there is in the world with a never ending wha it... or possibly that my heads so foggy I can’t even think. The fog is what gets me, the want so bad to do something anything but having absolutely no ... thought... or next step or know to do so is the hardest. It’s like there’s so much go I build up but nothing to enforce.
... that’s not true though... because I have wants, desires, and I am motivated or can be... when I am me.. or I think it’s me? Do I even get to experience myself anymore? Wait ... this is who I am, or who I am choosing to be I guess
it’s the struggle between thinking im ok, and finally acknowledging I have an illness... perhaps. Not an excuse which some people don’t see but I actually just can not shake it.
Its lile i Le I wake up and just feel the “cloud”. It doesn’t even work over me but almost like it was meant to be there.. feeling like I have to push myself through it all. Creating frustration from lack of motivation, not having a want, desire, craving... just that frustration... my mind races... and it’s like suddenly getting out of the house has became a chore. No one matters, not even you to you anymore because suddenly everything is easier if you weren’t you, there... around. It’s like ya the hurt of others is sad but IM SAD, IM HURT... I’m frustrated but not with them myself. What about my head, this constant overload or work I have to apply just in order to get myself dressed even when nothing grabs my attention... it’s hard to not always consider what if. If the idea of death or not existing doesn’t frighten you. I feel like I am such a waste of a life... I have so much to give, apply and learn but where am I??? I’ve been searching ... where’s the girl I once knew ):
driven... motivated... determined not only for myself but for the others around me. Inspired by simple things. My lows have always been low and my highs never seemed like highs because I wasn’t so aware... I just can’t help but feel like I deserve this constant struggle or frustration I have. I deserve worse, I should have to experience pain.. sometimes to feel, physically feel is like the only thing keeping me within reality.
But today, we’ll today... I’m ok. I might even be me. I’ve been kind, patient, loving and calm. But whose to say how long this will be around. Brb until tomorrow. Day by day
Please just give me some support right now... I'm the strong one in my family and I'm just a kid, its' so hard to be alone and I'm so tired of beign responsible. I need someone to take me into their arms without scaring me, and know what happened and hold me and promise it'll be okay becuase right now I don't feel okay, I'm scared because I'm going numb to how I feel, it's like I'm a human robot...
Am going back and forth about this 100 mg. Seroquel - whether or not it’s doing me any good. I’ve been told it’s not really a mood stabilizer. I’ve not found it helping with my ‘episodes’ or reducing them. Nor is it reducing my irritibility and intolerance. It may be causing me to feel depressed for the first hour or so after I wake up. One wierd thing is that I start feeling...