Im so tired of this disorder. Its humiliating. I think I'm crazy. If i would take the medicine it would work but then I get fat. In the middle of an episode I think I should be committed. I can't stop my brain. I can't think. I'm cruel with my words and can't stop it. I don't want to be sick. Idon't want to be crzy. I don't want to lose everyone. My family is sick of dealing with it. My kids don't deserve it. I used to think I was a good person with a lot to offer, but I ruin everything I touch. The slightest upset sends me over the edge. There are wonderful things in my life but I can't see them in an episode. I've made bad decision and done or said so many cruel things that I can't take them back and I judgemyself for them...but then I do them again. Am I alone - does anybody else deal with this like me? Do i even deserve to be loved now? Im going back to doctor and have to make myself take medicine before I lose what I have been given. Please tell me it's ok and that I'm going to be ok and that I'm not crazy. Tell me its okay to gain weight and I can still be loved. Can I ever make it go away?
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