When things go good for me, I tend to find a way to destroy them. And I build plenty of walls.

People who meet me fall into two catagories...

Those who love me and those who hate me.

Those who hate me, will always hate me.

Those who love me learn to hate me

Yes It can be.
beepers Try to manipulate too much.
We Know we are sick and are scared to let others know we are .
Hence we try to get people to think we are something that we are not.
If I am deprssed I dont want anyone to know. Even my tharapist.
Why I do it I dnt the hell know. But I will pretend to be ok.
Cancer patients dont do that.
So we end up stepping on alot of toes.
I just had to relearn how I thought about myself and how I could be of service to those arond me.
That step changed my life from being a taker to a giver.
I hope you understood that.
Matt

Yeah, but Matt, as a former cancer patient I found that I got help, compassion, understaning. with BP you don't get that. In fact you might get the opposite.

I've done that so many times in my life and was aware of it and still continued. I don't know why, it's like setting yourself up to fail. I'm aware today that I have to work on not doing it. Just a little bit of effort at a time and before you know it things change.

No its a part of APD

I have ruined everything good in my life and managed to push away everyone who ever cared about me. If I knew why I did it I wouldn't be alone and alienated like I am now.

Without my wife and son, maybe my Mom, but not my brother and sisters, I have no friends. I have burned the bridges of friendship within minutes of trying to get friends. It is me.

But now I know it isn't me. It is all of us. That makes me feel better. I can't even make friends in Church. But then cussing like a lost sailor doesn't help a bit there either.

I like yours Thomas.

I have always failed socially, and have always taken jobs that I am far overqualified for, and I think maybe I'm afraid of success. Or responsibility. I am so afraid I hate everyone and they can tell.

If you come up with an answer to this one please forward to me, I gave up and filed for disability after I went thru 26 jobs in 2 yrs!

i just put a whole thing in my journal about this the other day. i feel exactly the same. i'm toxic to people.

This concept of pushing the good things away has already been studied with children of abusive parents. A majority of the children invariably took up for their parents when given the option to be taken away from them (not ALL the children, but the majority); it was discovered that we Humans, in general, cling to what we Already Know, rather than to venture out toward an Unknown Good, because we Know it.

Even when what we Know, is bad.

It's less scary to deal with things we already Expect, that to cut the cord and drift out into the open sea of Life.

Do we have a bad marriage or relationship? It's still hard to leave. We already KNOW what we have - and we already Have something - that's better in our minds, than possibly NOthing.

Do we have a chance at a good job? What if we screw up and have NO job? Better to stick with this nice, low-paying, hateful thing we have Now, than risk losing Everything.

Frustrating, isn't it?

I call this just being human. Everyone does this to some extent.