Is he on meds ?

is he abusive to you?

Sooooo---vent!!!

Nope, not today...Check on me next week, or perhaps tomorrow! ;)

I know how you feel, when my bp boyfriend is unwell I can't be with him but I can't not be with him, it's a rough ride on that roller coaster!

Is he getting help?

I need to know if I am too critical, too demanding too whatever. In the 12 years we have been married we have been to 8 therapists, 4 psychiatrists, 2 hospitals. He is on meds that seem to make the episodes not as extreme. The thing I am struggling with is this... I can't get over the past. I can't get over the lies, his inability to stand up for me, the excuses he placed on me so his family would not think he was depressed, the time he has taken away from me and the children, the constant day in day out thoughts of when is he going to fall. I recently found letters to his family, me and our two boys saying goodbye and sorry I wasn't strong enough to stick around. When I confronted him he said they weren't anything and he would never do that to us. I can't bring it up because then I get,"all you ever do is dwell on the negative, why can;t you just forget and move on?" His mother blamed me for his episodes and accused me of hiding meds, not loving him and secluding him from his family. I am critized for the way I raise my boys to the therapists I find for him. His family discharged him from the hospital when I left town for buissnss saying he didn't need to be there~ he just needs to feel loved. He doesn't have the extreme highs but the lows are three days in bed, non responsive, no work, no communication and no acknowledging the life around him. He will go to counseling and then stop saying he doesn't want to keep going to dwell on the past. He constantly seeks praise from me. I have had to pay 500$ to the cable co. for pay for view porn. 1000$ for outstanding parking tics and car impounded for not paying. Two really bad times were when he left my house, wouldn't answer the phone and I found him 5 hrs later sleeping in his car behind he mall with it still running. Last year, again, I get the call from his work(his family also runs it) that he is a no show and won't answere the phone. I go to our house, I am locked out(never happened before) he won't respond. For the first time, I truly thought he was inside dead. I left to drive around the corner to get strengh to go in. I was gone maybe 3 min, he was gone! I searched finally found him going to his fathers. He looked at me with a look I have never seen before and yelled,"don't scream amt me, I can't take it" he agreed to go inpatient~ 2 days later his family discharged. 3 months later, I found the letters. It has been 6 months since this time, he hasn't been so extreme but, he stays up till all hours, sleeps and is late for work, he spends maybe 15 min with the boys before hibernating to the basement. We don't spend time together(I don't mind) because we don't talk about anything with substance. He comes into the bedroom at 2am and expects that I will be up and ready for him. The truth is there is so much saddness, anger, resentment and feelings that he will eventually hurt himself that I cannot allow myself to stay close to him. 2 years ago after missing work for 3 days and was on the verge of losing his job, he comes out with he might have been possibly abused by a step grandfather but all he has is a photograph type image. Nothing was explored further- no one talks about it. His mother is coming next week and staying with us and the thought nauseates me. I am not over the hurt she caused nor the fact that my husband did nothing to defend me through any of this. Please, your thoughts. Trust me, I am not saying I am perfect. I say hurtfl things when he is lying in bed like a little boy, I go out to avoid being there, I haven't been loving nor initiated anything physical, I am not the best in finances but we are not bankrupt. I use to love, laugh, have fun and be crazy but now I feel sad,hopeless and angry.

Wow! That was a lot to get out. I really feel for you. It sounds like you have been through a tremendous amount. I dont know if you want advice or just need to vent. I am truly amazed that under those conditions that you have been with him for so long.

My therapist has asked my several times if I love my wife anymore. This is a key question of why I stay with her. BTW I see a therapist to help me deal with my wife's BP as a way of egtting professional advice and a safe place for me to vent. So do you truly love him anymore? Are you staying for the kids?

One of the things that really sucks in your situation is taht his family and you do not have a united front. It is fraught with a troubled past.

I am wondering if you could spend some time with his mother this next week and try and really talk to her. Ask her to please just listen and back you up as his spouse and get him the help he desperately needs.

You also need to take some time to take care of you. In some ways you need to dissassociate yourself from the situation a little and work on healing yourself so you can start to feel better.

I know I rambled in this response but I hope I helped in some small measure. Please feel free to vent more, yell, hollar, cry, whatever you need to do to feel less frustration and unhappiness.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with so much.

I don't know what to say. I realize what it would be like for someone to be married to me. WOW. I'm a mess. Hold on. Tell him you understand that some things are out of his control but that leaving his family will only make things words. I hope that things get better for you.

I don't know how much help this could possibly be but I can say beyond a doubt that I understand, you are bearing a weight that no one should bear alone. It is too much. I see your side...you're standing where my husband is. I would not be you or him for anything. In fairness though, I would not be me if I had any choice either. For the longest time I have messed up so many times. I have repeated the same mistakes despite my best efforts to change them. How I would throw away hundreds of dollars without a thought. How an idea just takes hold, I think it's so wonderful but I don't see how illogical it is. I bought a $500 dollar puppy once because I passed a petstore and had the money in my purse...the rent money. All those times I have no idea what I am doing, I can't see it and if I do, it's almost too late. I get carried away...pain or pleasure they both take over. The time I forgot to pay the car insurance for three months,realized it but panicked and avoided it because I was so afraid until both his license and registration was revoked for six months. When his work van was reposessed not just once but twice because I spaced on making the payments. No money comes in our house if he can't work and he needs that van to work. When our house started to go into foreclosure before I realized it and fixed it. When I would hide for days on end, isolating myself from everyone and everything except to make meals or do the completely necessary tasks. When I bounced from being so very loving and fun to cold and completely unavailable and he never knew what to make of me. When he has to take me to the store because I just cannot make myself go alone. When the house falls apart, dirty dishes, clothes, clutter everywhere..hardly fit for anyone to live in let alone our children. When I am one person one month and someone else the next. When I am capable one month, completely incapable the next. When he leaves one person home when he goes to work in the morning and comes home to someone else. When he comes home to the same house that has obviously not been touched or to someone working like a madwomen who freaks when someone moves something out of place. I can be so illogical, so unreasonable and then switch...I'm here and then I'm not. Now you see me, now you don't. So much more, so much that he has to deal with. I never thought it was fair, I don't think it fair now. He used to get so frustrated and rightly so. He wondered sometimes if I did it on purpose, if I was mad at him and trying to get back at him for something. If I was trying to punish him even though he knew me, that I'm not like that but nothing made any sense. He knew I loved him but how could I do these things if I loved him. All I could do was cry, I did not mean for it to happen, I tried so hard to control myself. I try so hard. I do not want to be like this. I just can't hold myself together. He says he realized awhile ago that it isn't in my control, that if I could, I most certainly would. He is far easier on me than I am on myself, I still feel that it should be completely in my control and he has much less reason for patience. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I swear it's not personal. I can almost bet he is not fully aware of it, he may know on some level but it's hard for it to sink in enough to be useful. I bet he is so stuck inside himself that there is little ability to see clearly how it is affecting you. It's almost impossible at times to see beyond all the overwhelming flood of emotions that take over. It does not make it right but it is not truly any easier being the one causing the problems, the pain than it is the one receiving it. You could give him ultimatums but I bet they wouldn't get through. People can only see what they can see, there is no making anyone see what they aren't capable of seeing or what they don't want to see. Do what is right for you. If he can't take care of himself or doesn't want to, he may not even be able to. I know there are times that I can't, there is very little that my husband can do for me. Sadly, he's on his own and that hurts. We're still new at this though, nowhere near having any clue as to what was going on with me until recently. There still might be little he could do to keep me going in the right direction. He shouldn't have to, I'm an adult. So is your husband. If he can't help himself and really, no one else fully can if he doesn't see that he needs to then do what you can to help yourself deal with it all. Maybe seek counseling for yourself? Everyone needs someone to talk to, to sort things out. There you can vent, get a different perspective, feel like you have one person on your side rooting for you. One person focusing on you and what YOU are going through. Not feel so alone, no one should have to deal with this alone...you have so much responsibility on you. Take care of you, put yourself in front when you need to. You need just as much support as your husband.

You have the right to put your foot down and suggest/demand that he work a more substantial program then it sounds like he has been. There's lots of things he can do to move towards wellness. But, he has to want to do it and you cannot inspire him. But, you can protect yourself and the children from his behaviors. I sent you a message with some tips in it. Hope it helps. We're here for you.
peace, t

Don't feel alone, just left my husband after 36 years of marriage because of his signs of bi-polar. I have read that they deny that they even have it and I have begged him on several occasions to go see the doctor. He thinks that he's fine and refuses treatment. I finally had to leave him after he gambles my unemployment away. This was the 3rd time. His other family members show signs of it as well.
We had to move in with his Aunt and Uncle who have major issues as well and do not want me living there. His Uncle who is a alcholic and gambler along with his Aunt having gambling problem, couldn't take it any longer. Finally left and moved in with my Daughter and Son-in-law.
He is in denial and no proceeding for a divorce, and to get my life back on track. I feel for him but can no longer live in a disrupted life style.

4-5yr old thread. Closed.