i haven’t been on in several days. I was sick, then I could barely move from bed and slept 12-15 hours, so I was like okay I am seriously depressed and I started using my light box 45 minutes a day instead of 30 and it actually has only 5,000 lumen output instead of 10 to keep from triggering mania, I started doing cardio dance workouts on you tube 20 minutes a day all week last week no matter how much I dragged through. By day 5 I felt better. I woke up after only 7 or 8 hours sleep, used my light box, my essential oils, worked out, then showered, and went out on a date with my hubby and I felt good but just the night before I was so depressed I cried like all afternoon and didn’t even get out of bed until 2 pm that day so my hubby got home and says okay I am taking you out to eat so we went and had a great conversation about ridiculous seminars from mind valley on like attracting abundance and doing energy work to attract gold things to you. I was laughing and we had a great night and rented a great movie. Well I that night could not go to sleep. I Kaye’s in bed from 2am to 11am in and out of sleep and up and down all night and finally at 11 am I just got up and I started boo hooing uncontrollably and I done that for 4 hours straight and I was suicidally depressed and I mean I still used my light box and wrote in my journal an hour and read a chapter from a great book I’m reading and I prayed and I repented and I had all these guilt and shame feelings and I decided okay I am going on a drive to wherever to get out of the house and drive about 45 minutes away from home all the way to a mountain and down the other side to a little small town and then I went to the store to pick up sweaters I had ordered online because well I had to pick them up or they would get sent back. I came home and it was actually over 60 degrees outside so I plugged all the Christmas stuff in and lit up the house and outside and sat out on my porch for an hour. My husband got home and he watched the rest of a football game and he and I went to celebrate the win at the bbq joint right down the road and we came home and I was feeling some better. Then yesterday I tried sleeping again with no luck at all and went to spend time with family and ate way too much lunch and then when hubby got off work we went to Subway and ate and wencame home and watched some TV abd talked a little while. I payed down around 1am and did not fall asleep until 3 or 4 and I had to get up at 5 after have going into a deep sleep and I had to pee which pissed me off and I layed back down and I went to sleep about 5:15 and at 9am my alarm to get up and take meds went off so I took them and layed back down hoping to get a little more sleep and 30 minutes later nothing so I got up, used my light box and essential oils, and I then ate a slice of bologna because my appetite is poor today, I took my supplements and multivitamin, and drank a little coffee and OJ for the potassium since I am on a water pill, and then I called my husband to check on him at work, and got off the phone and used my light box for 15 minutes more, and then I read a little about a Bipolar mixed episode which I used to be on vraylar for but had to go off because of shaking, and that was two months ago and well I started balling my eyes out because I figured out that is what is happening. Can’t sleep the past 3 days but am suicidally depressed and I am glad I did call my pdoc last week to get into see him so I go Wednesday and I don’t want to tell him I am suicidal but I will get across to him I am in bad shape mentally. I can’t exercise today because it can exacerbate mania and I turned off the music so it won’t hype me up and now I am sitting here typing this, crying, looking at my Christmas tree, listening to the blasted clock tick which I wanna throw, thinking about how I wanna get revenge on all the bitch ass lousy friends and bullies at church, and also praying for them at the same time all while typing this and fantasizing about dying and praying I do and then at the same time I am praying I am like Godcant be real because if he was I wouldn’t be like this and then saying I hope he is real because I want to go to heaven but I will probably go to hell because I’ve done so many bad things though I’ve repented but then maybe I won’t go anywhere because their probably isn’t a God. Yeah that is where my mind is at just racing and making me miserable and it won’t stop and I feel like my whole body is vibrating but at the same time feel paralyzed. Yeah I am not doing so well. I can’t exercise, I need sleep, I need to eat a decent meal but can’t because I have no appetite, I need to leave the house to get away so I don’t do something stupid but have no energy to even brush my teeth or change from my pajamas to decent clothes and I don’t wanna brush my teeth or hair. I mean could go just to the store but if someone looks at me the wrong way I am liable to either cry and ask why they don’t like me and for a hug or tell them where to go and they probably weren’t even really looking at me in the first place. I wanna call my husband and tell him how bad off I am but he has to finish his shift, go to night school, and then do internship in the morning and he is ironically a mental health counselor already passed his counselors exam and all but as far as ethics can’t counsel with family. So I called the counseling minister at church the other day where I haven’t been in nearly 5 months because of anxiety and being bullied and he cancelled the appointment on me because he had to leave out of town for an emergency and of course I understand and I don’t know when he will be back but he is suppose to call and I haven’t heard from him but really need to talk to him. He has been as good as gold to me. Years ago when I got strung out on drugs and was having sex with random people he talked me into my senses and asked me to get help because he knew this wasn’t me and told me he was sure I have Bipolar 1 Disorder and he was right. He would help me with gas money and cigarettes ironically and get food for me from the church pantry and did not take advantage of me which I probably would of at the time been more than happy to have sex with him now I feel shame about having had those thoughts about him. I am asking him how I should stand up for myself about some of the bullying I am experiencing at church and how once again my so called shitty friends have ditched me. I told them a month ago my husband possibly has cancer and we were so bad off financially because he had to miss work from being sick and all and my nerves are torn up wondering if he may have lymphoma and the scan he needs will be a lot of money because of our suck ass insurance. I wish I had a neighbor to talk to right now or something anyone but my so called friends I told them about what all was going on with us and I got a well we are praying for y’all and you always have your church family. I am thinking I just told you what was going on didn’t i and nothing! Not a call, not a visit for prayer, not a hey I’ll take you out somewhere to eat or for coffee or tea, and not a card I mean nothing. I feel invisible. I feel unimportant. I feel rejected. I feel angry. I feel so much hate and resentment. I am even feeling ill feelings toward my family and some even toward my husband for whatever reason (we have unresolved issues) and I feel pissed at the world real bad today. I just wanna give it my birdie finger and tell it to kiss may ass and tell it a big
The board is slow. How are you doing?List a current goal, short term or long term. How is the weather in your area?WhAt are your Memorial Day plans?
Finally had my appointment with the doctor who has decided to add prozac into my medication routine alongside my anti psychotics. Has anyone had any experience on prozac because iv not heard good things and was told it might lead to manic episodes