I have had a breakdown today. I wanted to take all my secret reserve meds all at once. I was hysterical, crying, and filling up the water glass. I wonder why after 8 years of me saying i feel like I want to check out, noone has helped me, even if i came forward and revealed how I felt. I decided after 4 pills to stop and call my brother in one last ditch effort. He has convinced me that we will talk tomorrow about how to help me. But really it comes down to helping yourself. You cant depend on other. All I have is me in my own BP world. How can he possibly help me? Ive never accepted help before because it usually involves money and I NEVER borrow or take charity cases. Its always been just me. But for tonight, I am alive. How will I get through tomorrow......and i hate that saying "one day at a time". Im not an addict, but I do live one day at a time. It seems everyday is a crap shoot. How does one handle this on a day to day basis. All I know is that is no way to live.
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