Sometimes i think about life before it. I used to be the happiest person anyone knew, always smiling always loving always taking everything with ease and stride. I loved life so much more then i could think to now. I used to embrace everything and everyone. Now i isolate myself and stay away from new people and even family. Its such a horrible thing.

Sounds like me.Don't blame the marriage and the kids, it is an illness that would have struck even if you were alone and then you wouldn't have them there for you. A support family is what keeps us anchored sometimes when the going gets tough.

I hope for ECT so I can forget the last ten years.... but that probly wont happen :(

JulesIE.....so sad ...WE WERE WONDERFULL,WEREN'T WE!!!!


And when I think of what I have lost of myself..it is horrible

On the flip side, I was worse in many ways before I was dx'd with bp. I was very self destructive, physically and verbally abusive to my family, wife and friends and just a jackass in general. I was also funny, charming, caring, sensitive, giving, a good friends, brother, son and lover.

In this past year I have learned that I can lock the demons away and free the good aspects of my personallity. It's hard and a daily struggle to keep engaged with people but I >am< getting better. I'm not going to let my illness win and cause any more havok in my life if I can help it.

I have been this way as long as I can remember scince they knew what it was and I wish that I had good memories so good for you on that and I wish that you had a more understandin husband and I understand about the making you agery because sometimes I think that my bf does thing on perpuse to make me mad

The times before my dx just weren't that happy although they were most assuredly more normal. This leads me to believe I was actually sick long before my dx.

I remember having a lot of hope. A lot of dreams. Now, it's all gone.

I guess I do miss the old me. There were times of self-loathing, but for the most part I was probably too self-confident due to that awesome mania that I miss so much. Since the BP thing, I've self-loathed a lot more, until the last few weeks. I may be finally accepting myself the way that I am and finding that I'm not so bad after all.

Hi, swank!!!!
You didn't dig the hole. The ground underneath you opened up and swallowed you in!! And I hope that you manage to climb out as unscathed as is possible!!
You will find MANY people, both BPs and non BPs who feel the same way you do about life before and after marriage, with or without kids.
Take care and good luck!! I hope things improve!!!